almanac

Romney defeats Obama in swing state buzzer-beater

WASHINGTON—Election officials are calling this year’s election a “heart-stopper” after Mitt Romney’s GOP team clinched a regulation victory over Barack Obama and the Democratic Party.

The victory came swiftly on the coattails of Romney’s pick-and-roll drive to Florida and Obama’s defensive maneuver north to New Hampshire. The GOP’s nominee clinched the final electoral votes in the Sunshine State, giving his closing speech at the University of Florida’s basketball arena.

“Faked him out,” Allen Iverson said in his New Jersey home. “Broke his ankles.”

“It’s a damn buzzer-beater,” added Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. “I’m with the Democrats all the way. Blue down the ticket until the day I die. But you can’t crack under pressure. And that’s exactly what Obama did.”

“How can this happen?” a top-ranking member of the DNC said. “I don’t understand how Obama could have let his team down in the last quarter. Especially not like that.”

“The final seconds,” a RNC official added. “Nailing this election was a long shot for the GOP, despite their widespread support. Romney took the game before it had the chance to go into overtime.”

The election had begun with a defensive push by the GOP to the western side of the nation, with point guards positioned in Idaho, Wyoming and New Mexico. The Democratic offense had been deployed to the east, beginning a playbook push to the safer, eastern blue states.

“The election this year was tumultuous,” said Michael de Angelo, “but there was a clear divide between the GOP defense and the Democratic guards. The Dems air-balled threes in Washington, Oregon, and Florida. Romney snatched those 29 Floridian votes right out of the air.”

De Angelo famously criticized the outcome of the 2000 presidential race, when George W. Bush clutched the victory over Al Gore with a devastating monster dunk in 2OT. De Angelo is a political scientist at Duke University.

“While I respect some of his older works,” said David Blake, “de Angelo’s postulates about this election are totally whack. He’s painfully wrong, and his entire department should be defunded.” Blake is a leading political theorist at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. His work has earned him national recognition, including appearances on CNN and CNBC. His latest publication, “Athletics and its Fundamental Impact on Political Theory,” is now available as an e-book.

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