The Modern Language Association announced their hip “Times Old Roman” font to appeal to a younger audience, a change which outraged professors and old stubborn writers everywhere.
The changes to the both beloved and hated “Times New Roman” font include a revamped look and a complete abolition of the English language in place of ancient roman script.
Kwame Anthony Appiah, president of MLA, felt his consumer base was stuck under the tyranny of his older font “Times New Roman” for far too long. “We wanted a breath of fresh air, right out of the streets of ancient Rome. We want our users to be smelling the Mediterranean and eating olives by the end of their first sentence,” remarked Appiah.
When questioned further as to the reason for using Rome in particular, Appiah stated, “We’re going full-circle with this one, right back to the greatest empire to rule God’s green earth. Why use an ‘O’ when you could use the submissive omega? Who needs ‘A’ when you have the much more domineering alpha? It’s all about how the letters make you feel… and personally I feel like the Roman language makes me feel like an absolute badass.”
Students across the country were thrilled to hear about the change. Many students who were previously struggling in school suddenly found that their GPAs skyrocketed because of teachers’ lack of knowledge on ancient Roman. Cardinal reporters sat down with Betsy Goldstein, one of these fortunate young adults, to get a firsthand account of how the new font helped the students succeed in school. “My literature class is a breeze now. I just have to type something random and my teacher has no idea what it says. I think I wrote something like ‘Mrs. Lictine is cool so please give me an A,’ and guess what? She did.”
At press time, MLA was considering showing the Greeks some love with their upcoming 2018 font.
