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Almanac animal review: Gerenuk

I was at the Ohio State football game last week and this asshole of an animal, the Gerenuk, was just blatantly blocking my view. I tried to get him to move, but this big-necked prick just turned around, chewed some leaves and dropped a big poop on my bench. “Jump Around” was difficult to say the least…

I’ve followed this beast for the past year in an attempt to put a face to the phrase “This is why we can’t have nice things.” As you can see, my review of this animal is completely unbiased and a great example of phenomenal journalistic integrity. 

The Gerenuk is an antelope found in the African Great Lakes, the second-best of the world’s great lakes, according to “E!” network. It’s able to reproduce at the age of one but only lives for eight years on average in the wild. That means this animal was low-key a player with kids when he was like two... I think I learned how to walk around then so who’s the real winner here? 

The gerenuk has very large ears, which it claims to use to dissipate heat, but everyone who is anyone knows that’s bullshit, and it actually uses them to listen in on honest, hardworking antelopes that don’t have giraffe necks.

The scientific name of the gerenuk is Litocranius walleri, in case any of you cared at all. If you do care about that kinda thing, then you’re probably a kinda weird dude. Not super creepy or anything, but ya know, the kind where you don’t really want to sit next to in class. Unless it’s a biology class, and you happen to have a test today.

0.29/10. That’s what I’m gonna give this scourge of humanity. Guess what? I’m not even gonna tell you why. I’m done with this.

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