City of Cleveland Agrees to Trade Browns for a Vending Machine

After the the Browns lost to the Tennessee Titans earlier in the week and dropped to an NFL worst record of 0-6, Mayor Frank G. Jackson and Team Owner Jimmy Haslam announced at a press conference that the franchise would be traded to the city of Louisville, Ky., for a brand-new vending machine that will be placed in City Hall. 

“We think that this move benefits all parties,” said Jackson to a mostly uninterested crowd of about 20 reporters. Jackson cited the Browns’ dreadful history as the primary reason for the trade, discussing the fact that the team hasn’t won a division championship since 1989, hasn’t been to the playoffs since 2002 and has never appeared in a Super Bowl. 

“To be frank,” said Haslam, “the City of Cleveland would just be better off with no team at all than have to deal with the Browns any longer. These people have been through enough.” 

Trade negotiations had been going on for a few weeks before the deal was finally cemented yesterday, however reports show that Louisville was not the first city contacted by Browns officials. “We asked St. Louis first, because we figured they would be so bummed out by the Rams going to Los Angeles that they might want to take the Browns,” said Team President Paul DePodesta. “But when we presented this idea to them, [Mayor of St. Louis] Francis Slay just laughed and hung up the phone.” 

Mayor Jackson ended the press conference by assuring citizens of Cleveland that this deal was fruitful in more ways than one. “Obviously, losing the Browns is the big story here,” he said sternly. “But don’t forget about this vending machine either. It isn’t just your average device—it’s one of those cool ones with the screen that has, like, 100 options or something like that. Personally, I’m excited to try the vanilla root beer. You can’t find that stuff in stores.” 

Officials from Louisville did not reply to our requests for comment, but citizen protests over the deal reportedly began soon after the trade was announced.

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