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Upcoming iPhone 7s rumored to do away with battery completely

Following the iPhone 7’s Sept. 7 release, rumors have already surfaced that the iPhone 7s will lack a battery or any form of electronic capability.

The rumors were born after Apple CEO Tim Cook was interviewed by The Daily Cardinal reporters and asked about the new specs coming in six months. “Oh, you’ll love it,” said Tim, giggling like a little school girl. “We at Apple pride ourselves on imagination and ingenuity, and what screams imagination more than texting from a dead phone?”

The idea to do away with batteries is believed to stem from an intern by the name of Jim-Bob whose girlfriend broke up with him earlier in the year. 

“He just looked so heartbroken,” said Tim Cook, “Sitting there, reading the long essay she sent him through iMessage, I just thought: Hey, what if little Jim-Bob never even saw that text? What if he saw a friendly reminder to brush his teeth from Mom? We can save so many people from being sad or upset just by taking out that pesky battery… oops, wasn’t supposed to say that, it’s top secret.”

The reception of this announcement has been overwhelmingly positive, with many considering it to be the greatest breakthrough in Apple history. Sexually frustrated waitress Kelly Liken is especially looking forward to snapchatting her boss on the new phone. “Oh, I can just imagine it now… some candles, nice music, incense and a little notification that says ‘John has sent you a Snapchat,’” remarked Liken, a flushed look coming across her face.

Samsung’s CEO Oh-Hyun Kwon sat down with Cardinal reporters earlier in the week to get his thoughts on the new development. 

“I really don’t know how we’re losing to these guys anymore. Did I tell you guys we have wireless charging now? WIRELESS CHARGING MAN. I’ve got nothing left to give… they buy anything that Apple makes,” Kwon said. 

Despite his complaints, sources say Kwon was investing massive amounts of money into Apple prior to the 7’s release.

At press time Tim Cook could be seen slyly looking at the camera and slowly unscrewing the case of an iPhone 7, giddy with anticipation to announce the 7s.

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