almanac

The Almanac Presents: Misheard Quotes

The Almanac Presents: 

Misheard Quotes

“Don’t smile because it’s over. Cry because it happened.”

-Akron head coach

“The only thing you have to fear is a beer bookshelf.” 

-Frank “Big D” Roosevelt

“I don’t remember 100 percent of the shots I took.”

-Frat dude

“With a great shower comes great sterility.”

-Squeaky clean man in cape

“Give me Hillary or give me meth.”

-Most Californians

“Houston, you look like Gollum.”

-UW offensive coordinator

“Mama said, ‘Life is like a box

of chocolates.’ Fuck you, 

mom...”

-Son

“I love the smell of my palm

in the morning.”

-My roommate

“If you’re going through hell,

keep blowing.”

-Fat British Cigar lover

“Crack has some positive feedback.”

-My dealer

Almanac is our home for satire, sex, creative writing and much more. Satirical articles are intended as such.

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