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Almanac Animal Review: Bald Eagle

Bald Eagle at a glance

PHYSICAL TRAITS: A big, beautiful, bountiful and bodacious bald head, beady little eyes.

CAREER GOALS: Spread democracy to the heathens overseas. Join the armed forces (all of them).

PRIMARY FLAWS: Frequently associated with America, always looks pissed as shit, kills small adorable dogs.

SPECIAL ABILITIES: Can quote the Second Ammendment backwards and forwards at the same time.

PLACE OF RESIDENCE: ‘Murica, land of the free, home of the brave. Democracy motherfuckers.

Full Review:

 I encountered this phenomenal specimen on my voyage to the English colony of America, bypassing a huge wall on the way (when did that get there?).

The bald eagle is an incredible creature, capable of reaching heights of 10,000 feet. Wow, I’ve only been that high once when I tried my grandma’s special herb tea! They stalk their prey of fish, ducks, snakes and the occasional small dog. Word on the street is that’s how Toto died in the Wizard of Oz, but I can’t confirm. The bald eagle is considered the supreme predator of the skies, similar to the American drone, which has continually preyed on Middle-Eastern provinces with great success.

At around 4-5 years, the bald eagle chooses a life partner. I also chose a life partner at age 4.567 when I was enjoying a nice chocolate milk in the cafeteria. Her name was Shaniqua and we shared the delicious-beverage but I digress. The male bald eagles’ partner is also bald because he’s into that shit! Don’t ask questions, just accept it.

Luckily, the bald eagles fucked (quite literally) themselves out of endangerment in 2007 due to cheap vodka bought by baby-faced kids who swear they’re 21. They normally produce three eggs, but on a good day they say they produce at least 69 gorgeous eggs. The reason for bald eagle endangerment in the first place was due to severe restrictions on Viagra to the bald eagle population, despite severe erectile dysfunction problems in the male community since around 1972. After years of Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing” playing on repeat, their population leveled out and is continuing to rise.

Bald eagles make their homes in large trees near bodies of water. They build enormous nests, called eyries, out of sticks (as well as blood, sweat and tears). The homes are known to weigh up to one ton, almost as much as much as my great aunt Lynda! Personally, my home weighs more than one ton based off its last Sunday weigh-in but I respect the bald eagle for trying to top me.

Overall, the bald eagles are alright-. I mean come on, they’re definitely sexually active (which is pretty cool) considering they literally banged their way out of endangerment. But I respect a full head of hair so that drastically reduced their overall rank. I rank them a 6.2/10.

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