Domestic Cat at a glance:
PHYSICAL TRAITS: Everything about it is disgusting. I want to kill it so bad and will not rest until all of these animals are gone from this earth.
CAREER GOALS: Get as far away from me as possible because I’m coming for them, and I’m thirsty for blood.
PRIMARY FLAWS: Everything, truly anything this animal does is a flaw. How can evolution screw up so bad that this kind of creature is created?
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Just seeing its face makes me want to kill it.
PLACE OF RESIDENCE: In hell.
Final Score: UNWORTHY
FULL REVIEW:
So I had this computer virus that kept causing my newsfeed to fill up with these ugly little lions doing random things. I tried everything to stop these atrocities from popping up on my newsfeed in every other picture because I just wanted to read about my cousin Pablo’s life, yet nothing worked. I reached my limit when one of these repulsive little lions purred at me and rubbed against my leg on my way to work. Simply disgusting.
My dog whispered, “I want to kill it with fire” when the little shit didn’t apologize for his blatant invasion of my personal space. I knew then and there that I needed to purge the world of this cancer, but like I’ve said in the past, I never go into anything unprepared. I knew I had to learn more about these vile creatures to safely and systematically wipe out their whole species.
Sun Tzu once told me to know my enemy and, in this case, I learned my enemy is actually called a cat. They normally live for about 9 years, but that number is greatly reduced when they are in my vicinity because I kill them deliberately and efficiently.
A cat is a mammal with more than 70 variations, yet they all share very similar, loathsome traits. Almost all cats possess a beating heart, which they require to stay alive. The cat’s heart pumps disgusting cat blood through its entire body to give it life. It is my goal to extinguish this phenomenon by any means necessary in order to crush its very existence.
Cats reproduce frequently and litters normally contain 3–5 kittens that grow to become another atrocity I must put down. The gestation period of a cat is normally 60 days—much quicker than humans. If I were a cat I’d stay gestating for as long as possible because the moment they emerge into this world they’re in my territory, just another target. I normally like to take out cats when they haven’t yet given birth as a gesture of good faith. Lucky for them, they will never experience life as the worst animal in existence.
I refuse to even rate the cat. This creature is my mortal enemy and doesn’t even deserve a rating from the world-renowned reviewer of animals. This was simply meant to distract literate cats while I make my next hit. Look out, Sprinkles; I’m right behind you.
