The Beet

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Gun shop giving out punch cards for mass shootings

It’s a tradition older than the fries on the floor of a 1996 Pontiac Grand Prix. For decades, many businesses have offered their loyal customers punch cards to reward them for emptying their pockets for products that likely cost the same amount to produce as the slip of paper itself. Often, however, the punch cards go missing before they’re able to be completed. One business has decided to change that.

Facebook Aunts and Uncles Across the Country Poison Themselves With Livestock Medicine to Own the Libs

Disclaimer: I fully recognize that this fruit is as low-hanging as it gets, and frankly, it feels like cheating for me to use it as Almanac material. But I had writer’s block, and my only other idea involved vivid descriptions of Ruth Bader Ginsberg banging Antonin Scalia in the Afterlife, so you’re welcome.  

Yellowed Pages

 In a box under the bed 

Pro-vaxx UW-Madison Chancellor Strikes Again

After Week of Chaos, Joe Biden Orders Re-Invasion of Afghanistan

As mask mandates return, ICU beds fill to capacity with dying children and another soft lockdown looms, one issue is on the minds of Americans’ this week: important gains have been lost in Afghanistan’s Uruzgan province.

“Heroic students save dog from hot car during Mifflin”

Anticipation for the annual Mifflin St. Block Party has subsided in Madison, Wis. Thousands of crushed cans and shattered glass were all that remained Sunday morning as the students in attendance reeled from their collective “post weekend denial.” Public concerns regarding student safety and COVID-19 precautions are being raised in response to the large congregation of maskless children. However, these questions appeared insignificant and misguided in light of the heroic act that took place Saturday.

Mifflin Street Block Party quiet, respectful

Since 1969, the Mifflin Street Block Party has been an annual tradition for UW-Madison students. While it originally began as an anti-war protest, one thing has been true for decades — it is an opportunity for students to get obliterated with their peers before getting ready for finals week. That is until the 2020 Mifflin Street Block Party was canceled due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Something appears to have been learned from the past year, as Mifflin was reportedly very tame this past Saturday.

Badger Promise rumored to have been discontinued in original form, now a threat

When it was introduced in 2017, the Badger Promise made it look as though UW-Madison was providing a major incentive for first-generation college students to call Madison home. The program, which originally offered two to four semesters of free tuition to first-generation college students transferring from two-year colleges around Wisconsin, is rumored to have been discontinued due to budget cuts and the fact that one of the university’s high ranking officials wants a new boat.

Derek Chauvin picking out paint swatches for prison cell

It was a chilling scene on Tuesday as former Minneapolis Police Officer Derek Chauvin was found guilty on all three counts. While much of the country either takes a sigh of relief or starts sending their family members conspiracy theories via Facebook Messenger, Chauvin appears to be taking it in stride as he prepares for his new prison cell.

Distressed student found hiding in Hamm’s fort

Finals are coming up at UW-Madison, which means that students are looking for ways to cope. For some, this means hitting the books early to prevent the need to pull all-nighters. For others, this means trying out meditation and going for walks on the Lakeshore Path to unwind. For at least one student, the solution is clear: hide.

UW-Madison students projected to fail in-person classes next fall

The unprecedented shift towards remote leaning during the past year has called many academic practices into question. When considering the rigor of collegiate level education during previous years, the fact that a student is now able to take a shit while in discussion should serve as an indicator that educational standards have somewhat devolved. Now that the reality of in person classes is quickly approaching, experts are greatly concerned for the future academic output of the UW-Madison student body. 

Mondays bartender fired for agreeing to make drink less strong

In college, most students go out with one goal in mind: to get drunk as quickly and cheaply as possible. At UW-Madison, Mondays has long been the go-to dive bar to achieve this. Last Friday night, however, this sacred bond was broken when a bartender agreed to only pour one shot of liquor into a vodka cranberry. The employee was later fired once the customer finished their drink and was still found to be able to have a coherent conversation. 

‘Hero’ cop accidentally reaches for taser instead of gun, tases self in the balls, dies

The nation is mourning the loss of one of its big beautiful boys in blue after Minneapolis police officer Jim O’Brien accidentally discharged a taser into his nuts and died Wednesday.

The Stone Staircase

Wooded creaks and winds 

College student relieved to not be receiving stimulus check

A new round of Covid-19 related stimulus checks are currently being distributed to millions of individuals throughout the United States. While many people are anxiously awaiting the $1400, Rodney Leffler, who was claimed as a dependent on his parents’ taxes, is relieved to not be getting one.

Major Biden cracks under pressure

President Biden’s German shepherd puppy, Major has been making national news headlines all around America for his involvement in two newsworthy biting incidents. While Major has been put on blast for these aggressive acts, no one knows or can possibly understand what the dog has been through. 

UW-Madison sees annual spike in 'post weekend denial'

As the weather becomes more pleasant and COVID-19 vaccinations continue to rollout, a surge in weekend festivities can be seen throughout Madison, Wisconsin. Naturally, these festivities include heavy substance abuse in true Wisconsin-fashion. This annual springtime trend can be seen in places such as the “Mifflin Slums,” where the melting snow is steadily replaced with debris from white plastic tables and crushed Natty Ice cans. 

Five signs your father is having an affair with Lil Nas X

The release of the music video for Lil Nas X’s new hit song “Montero” on Friday triggered by far the best internet discourse since Trump has left office — RIP bozo. 

Memorial union to give students free MREs

The Memorial Union announced today that students with a green Badger Badge will now be able to receive a free Meals, Ready-to-Eat. While meals are factory made and are not being distributed until the week of April 25, orders must be placed within the next week so that the packages can be sorted into boxes “when the vibe feels right” for the Union employees. 

The Boston Bomber Has a Bad Day

Hey Almanac readers! We hope you enjoyed the special edition of our beloved column this week. The Almanac editors would like to opportunity to share some really exciting news: this section now has a podcast! (not at all related to our article published from a few weeks back about another mediocre white guy starting one) We’d love if you’d take a minute to sit back and enjoy 4 of UW-Madisons dullest students talk about random shit.