The Beet - The Daily Cardinal

THE BEET

Stocks and crypto went down

By Jeffrey Brown | Jan. 27

No wait, they're up. Sell. Buy. No wait, sell. God help me.

THE BEET

Professor delays publishing Canvas course to dedicate more time to stocking up on this semester's grading liquor

By Mackenzie Moore | Jan. 27

Professor uses alcohol as a coping mechanism for grading papers, but it may benefit students.

THE BEET

Betty White remembered as 'ruthless,' fueled by vitriol

By Mackenzie Moore | Jan. 27

This is a hard break from what generations of people thought they knew about the actress. Still, it should not come as too big of a surprise to those who have seen White’s work in the last 10 years.

THE BEET

Pope Francis concerned by worldwide decrease in raw doggin'

By Mackenzie Moore | Jan. 24

The Catholic Church considers the use of contraception to be sinful. Still, it is rare that a leader of Pope Francis’ status states their desire for more people to dance in the rain without a poncho.

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What your top Spotify Wrapped™ artist says about you

By Nick Rawling | Dec. 2

What your Spotify top artist says about you

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Santa Claus to have lipo after replacing staff with Keebler elves

By Mackenzie Moore | Dec. 2

After rumblings of an elf union potentially forming, Claus opted to replace his staff with the Keebler elves, resulting in a significant weight gain.

THE BEET

The Almanac’s guide to holiday small talk

By Gillian Rawling | Dec. 2

The holidays can really suck as a student, luckily almanac has a guide to navigating the muddy waters of small talk with your family and friends.

THE BEET

Campus rumor: Professors conspired to make deadlines as inconvenient as possible

By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 23

One could argue that professors are simply trying to get students in the holiday spirit by making them as thankful as possible for the extra two days away from the classroom afforded by Thanksgiving break.

THE BEET

President Biden heads to Camp David to attempt peace talks with coronavirus

By Jeffrey Brown | Nov. 11

It has been tricky to establish a common sense of humanity between a nation and a non-sentient submicroscopic infectious agent.

THE BEET

UW-Madison has its own toilet paper ambassador

By Anupras Mohapatra | Nov. 11

IBS said that being a brand ambassador for toilet paper brand was a dream come true

THE BEET

Sen. Ron Johnson’s approval rating drops after rescuing sickly stray dog off the street

By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 11

Johnson has not yet announced whether or not he will try to retain his seat in 2022.

THE BEET

Man refusing COVID-19 vaccine consumes body and blood of a Hebrew man who died 2000 years ago on weekly basis

By Mackenzie Moore | Nov. 4

“Schuster’s case is a curious one; he will not receive a single dose of the vaccine, yet each week, he eats the body of a Hebrew man who died in roughly A.D. 30.”

In politics, an elephant represents the Republican party and a donkey represents the Democratic party.

THE BEET

Democrats ‘perplexed’ by less-than-promising election results

By Nick Rawling | Nov. 4

Democrats are confused by election results.

THE BEET

NFL MVP exempt from COVID-19 protocols

By Gillian Rawling | Nov. 4

“I really don’t understand what the issue is,” said Rodgers.

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THE BEET

Witte “Shower Shitter” inspires copycat attacks throughout student housing

By Nick Rawling | Oct. 28

All 21 of Wisconsin’s residence halls have reported at least one attack from the legion of shower shitters over the last two weeks.

THE BEET

Man dismayed after learning that horror movie isn’t based on actual murder

By Mackenzie Moore | Oct. 28

“I was told that the movie was inspired by true stories. Afterwards, I learned that the story was stretched to the point where it was practically all made up.”