The Beet

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THE BEET

Lent causing local Filet-O-Fish population to near dangerous low

By Mackenzie Moore | Mar. 21

Demand for the McDonald’s sandwich may be endangering the future of the species

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THE BEET

Employee finally allowed to take shift breaks after picking up cigarette smoking

By Mackenzie Moore | Mar. 14

“I went with Marlboros because that’s what they smoke on ‘Mad Men.’” 

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THE BEET

Geraldine of ‘Geraldine’s Pick’ named next UW-Madison chancellor

By Mackenzie Moore | Mar. 10

Geraldine will not be sitting in a cushy office in Bascom Hall.

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THE BEET

Fun ways to spend spring break without traveling

By Mackenzie Moore | Mar. 9

Some advice for the poors.

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THE BEET

Sen. Marco Rubio confirmed to be direct descendant of Judas

By Mackenzie Moore | Mar. 8

The new information comes as no surprise to anyone with a Twitter account.

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THE BEET

Who is Poop Johnson?

By Mackenzie Moore | Mar. 7

 Ingraham Hall’s captivating mystery has gone unsolved for nearly two months.

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THE BEET

Putin’s response to Almanac article creates massive stink

By Jeffrey Brown | Mar. 4

Putin was reportedly embarrassed to such a degree that he is heavily considering a complete withdrawal from Ukraine. 

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THE BEET

Report: Putin ordered Ukrainian attack to prove manliness after being caught drinking a cosmo, listening to Madonna

By Mackenzie Moore | Mar. 3

Nothing says “dominance” like invading an innocent country that takes pride in its sunflowers.

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THE BEET

Exploring the totally legit ways people are informed via social media

By Angela Glowacki | Mar. 2

“If it’s not in the form of one of those cute slideshows on Instagram, I don’t want it.”

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THE BEET

Elden Ring review

By Jeffrey Brown | Mar. 1

Elden Ring is nothing like Marvel's award-winning 2018 action-adventure game.

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THE BEET

Breaking News: Duolingo Owl and Bucky Badger's relationship confirmed

By Angela Glowacki | Feb. 28

Sources reported that Bucky and Duo were stumbling down State Street, paw in wing, haphazardly pushing unsuspecting students off the sidewalk.

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THE BEET

Students petition for more gargoyles on campus buildings

By Jeffrey Brown | Feb. 25

After noticing a lack of gargoyle presence on campus, students are calling for the creatures to be atop every building. 

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THE BEET

What different celebrities have for a post-sex snack

By Mackenzie Moore | Feb. 24

No celebrity dieticians here

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THE BEET

Chancellor Becky Blank and Willie the Wildcat seen on hot and heavy Valentine’s Day escapade

By Mackenzie Moore | Feb. 24

Becky Blank and Willie the Wildcat's Valentine's Day outing scars students, further solidifying the fact that this is Bucky's campus

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THE BEET

Woman breaks up with fiancé after discovering he eats Trix cereal — ‘I thought he was a man, not a kid’

By Mackenzie Moore | Feb. 23

After catching her fiance eating the cereal, Stacy Morgan had to face the fact that Trix are for kids. 

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THE BEET

Juwan Howard slaps doctor after medical assistant tests blood pressure: ‘I had to protect myself’

By Mackenzie Moore | Feb. 21

Following Juwan Howard's outburst after the Michigan menu's basketball team lost to Wisconsin, previous victims speak out.

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THE BEET

UW campus site of gruesome murder, authorities posit likely cause

By Aycia Tevris | Feb. 17

Cucumber found maimed, foul play assumed.

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THE BEET

Melting, mud-crusted snowman reminds passersby of youth’s fleeting nature

By Mackenzie Moore | Feb. 16

How long do I really have left? Am I closer to being six feet underground than I am to being the age where I woke up on a snow day and played outside before cozying up in a warm blanket, drinking a hot chocolate?

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THE BEET

UW-Madison average GPA, attendance skyrockets after fake IDs fail to scan

By Mackenzie Moore | Feb. 15

Grades and attendance have improved since underage students were left without working fake IDs, but not without cost. 

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THE BEET

Couple enters committed relationship after meeting in Kwik Trip candy aisle

By Mackenzie Moore | Feb. 14

"I noticed that he was looking back and forth between the Kit Kats and the Hershey bars. I couldn't help but think, 'If I were this guy's girlfriend, we could buy one of each and share.'"