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Bald man makes sure to tell every man with a good head of hair to 'enjoy it while it lasts'
By Will Franken | Apr. 18, 2022“I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy!"
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Pfizer announces special Easter edition Viagra
By Jeffrey Brown | Apr. 16, 2022Jesus’ tomb isn’t the only thing that can be hard as a rock this Easter.
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Good Friday: The annual celebration of the Messiah’s murder
By Mackenzie Moore | Apr. 15, 2022Consider just leaving a bottle of brandy by the altar, apologizing and slinking away.
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The Daily Cardinal also hid an egg on campus
By Jeffrey Brown | Apr. 14, 2022Leave no building intact.
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In Memoriam: Forgetting the life of Donald Trump
By Jeffrey Brown | Apr. 14, 2022Now more than ever, we must set aside our differences by pretending Donald Trump never did anything bad.
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1888 Presidential Election could be overturned after evidence of fraud surfaces
By Will Franken | Apr. 13, 2022Babies, felons and household pets were among the fraudulent voters.
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Congress announces bipartisan effort to prevent climate catastrophe
By Jeffrey Brown | Apr. 12, 2022Senators are disgusted by oil companies making money off of the environment.
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Joe Biden stepping down from presidency to run after ice cream truck
By Mackenzie Moore | Apr. 11, 2022The 46th President of the United States is stepping down for a double scoop.
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Nomad
By Anupras Mohapatra | Apr. 8, 2022I wondered if I was punished for sin; but here I am now, a sinner
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ASM elections under protest
By Jeffrey Brown | Apr. 7, 2022Students are missing classes to protest the election results.
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Stepping on the soapbox: Linguist edition (part II)
By Anupras Mohapatra | Apr. 6, 2022“Anniversaries are YEARLY. You don’t celebrate your birthday every month, do you?”
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Senate determines Supreme Court nominee unqualified
By Jeffrey Brown | Apr. 5, 2022Senators were put off by the lack of either pedophilia or sexual assault allegations.
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The Daily Cardinal to become a dual coloring book, porn mag
By Mackenzie Moore | Apr. 4, 2022Your child is going to see boobs at some point — it might as well be because of us.
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New study finds that 67% of transphobic people self-identify as part of the Confederacy
By Mackenzie Moore | Mar. 31, 2022Much like the South at the end of the Civil War, the irony was lost
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World’s grown-up tomboys tired of clarifying that they’re straight
By Mackenzie Moore | Mar. 30, 2022Is it gay to be warm?
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Will Smith and Chris Rock at the Academy Awards: A Discussion Guide
By Jeffrey Brown | Mar. 29, 2022Lead thoughtful discussion about the far-reaching and long-lasting effects of the comment from Chris Rock and the subsequent slap from Will Smith
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Dog torn between eating Purina Pro Plan Complete Essentials and its own feces for supper
By Will Franken | Mar. 28, 2022“You must not rush decisions that are important to you, for the wrong decision could lead to catastrophe.”
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Where is home, actually?
By Anupras Mohapatra | Mar. 28, 2022"Is it really home when those in power don’t really want you here?"
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Opinion: I am being censored for not wanting to learn
By Jeffrey Brown | Mar. 25, 2022“My opinions are grounded in facts and logic, not books.”
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