The Beet

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Almanac Animal Review: Seahorses

Seahorses at a glance: PHYSICAL TRAITS: Flexible back, weirdly bony back, cinnamon roll-like back, funky-looking back, really odd back. CAREER GOALS: Eventually overthrow the tyranny of real horses, travel at 5.1 feet per hour, make back a little less weird-looking. PRIMARY FLAWS: Extremely self-conscious of weird-looking back, nobody seems to know why they even exist, can’t be trusted for any reason.  SPECIAL ABILITIES: Close advisor to Usain Bolt, able to distort back in a pretty gross way, males are able to birth children by carrying them inside their duderuses. PLACE OF RESIDENCE: Water... particularly ocean water. Final Score: 9.53/10 FULL REVIEW:  When visiting my tailor in southern Indiana last week, I was abducted by a group of inland Somali pirates who couldn’t resist a man with a well-fitting suit.

Ten things you didn't know you do wrong

1. Mispronouncing your mother’s name. It’s And-rea, not An-drea. 2. Believing in Bigfoot, not Sasquatch. 3.

PSA to New Hampshire Voters: Superstorm Donald is on its way

Preliminary research suggests Bucky may not be real badger

Millions of prayers answered as God remembers cell phone passcode

Prosperity and joy were felt around the world this morning after God, creator of the heavens and the earth, remembered his cell phone passcode following a multi-millennia lockout. According to sources close to God, the lockout started as a prank by God’s former angel, Satan.

Ted Cruz’s fear of water may present campaign hurdles in coastal states

Between the Sheets: Learning about slut shaming and how we can 'Beat It'

Let’s consider slutty brownies for a moment; craveable cookie dough on the bottom, warm and gooey brownie on the top, with a layer of still-crunchy oreos in between—a combination so unforgivingly delicious it makes people feel guilty about enjoying it.  Whoever named this dessert had the right idea about what it means to be “slutty”—divinely indulgent and not apologizing for it.

Joaquín 'El Chapo' Guzmán draws third straight 'get out of jail free' card

Late Friday night, Joaquín Guzmán, aka “El Chapo” drew his third consecutive get out of jail free card in a heated game of Monopoly, to the outrage of his opponents. El Chapo, the famous drug kingpin and part-time Rolling Stone admirer, was recently recaptured and imprisoned by Mexican law enforcement.

Sophomore's interest in charity event proves 'like' worthy

UW-Madison sophomore Dean Strutterman was pleasantly surprised Friday night upon discovering three Facebook friends had “liked” that he expressed interest in attending an event.  Strutterman, who described his initial interest as “tentative at best,” still found comfort in his friends’ positive endorsement through social media.  “I was super stoked when I clicked my notifications and saw three people liked that I was thinking about going,” he said.  The charity concert, Melting Faces for Teen Pregnancy, was held Wednesday night at a local coffee shop four blocks from Strutterman’s apartment, and featured local bands ranging in genre from “straight-up metal” to “jazzy power-slop.”  Attendees were asked to donate “as much or little as they can to support education and outreach efforts addressing teen pregnancy in Wisconsin,” according to the event description.  Regrettably, Strutterman was not able to attend the event, though he was pleased with himself for thinking about going.

Male student 'almost positive' that TA is into him

The relevance of Iowa revealed in one simple chart

Almanac Animal Review: Kangaroos

Almanac Kangaroo Review Kangaroos at a glance Physical Traits: Powerful thighs, adorable little arms, useful pouch in mid-region (different than stomach), stupid look on face. Career Goals: Sling mad dope, compete in long-jump, produce offspring, enjoy retirement, wipe stupid look off face. Primary Flaws: Selfish in group situations, lacks ability to rationalize existence, always has dumb look on face. Special Abilities: Laser eyes, heat-seeking roundhouse kick, consistently stupid look on face. Place of Residence: The Australian outback (steakhouse) with $6 specials until Thursday. Final Score: 7/10 FULL REVIEW: Recently on one of my many soul-searching expeditions to Australia I encountered the wonderful animal called the kangaroo.

Syllabus Week Bingo

Syllabus Week Bingo

Between the Sheets: The tangled web we weave—Dormcest dos and don'ts

When bunches of young adults looking to “find themselves” are crammed in the same living space for nine months, dormcest becomes inevitable.

Twelve-year-old asks Santa for puberty

Local 12-year-old Eli Gardner asked a mall Santa Claus if he could receive puberty for Christmas this year. The pre-teen repeatedly communicated that his only request for a gift this holiday season was for his body to begin sexual maturation and rapid growth. “I don’t have a single hair on my junk,” Gardner told fascinated Cardinal reporters.

College-friendly contraception: choosing what works for you

Hopefully Thanksgiving break left us feeling thankful for at least a couple of things. A loving family, good friends and no unwanted pregnancies topped my list this year. Considering the fact that according to the Guttmacher Institute 51 percent of U.S. pregnancies are unplanned, it’s no joke to be thankful for being baby-free. While there are tons of methods out there to prevent pregnancy, there are some that are more suited to collegiate life than others.

How to carve out some sexy time while giving thanks

While being home for the holidays might temporarily relieve some academic pressure, it can cause a buildup of sexual tension. Something about high caloric foods and having a little free time lowers inhibitions and brings back those urges that midterms suppressed for too long.

Between the Sheets: Aziz Ansari’s advice on how to charm the pants off a holiday hottie

We are fast approaching that warm and fuzzy time of year that brings with it the urge to curl up with a big ol’ bowl of Chex Mix and a love bug. Something about sweaters and commercial holidays leads people to want to pair off and find some mistletoe to snog under, but with the smorgasbord of sweet thangs our campus has to offer, deciding who to hit up can be intimidating.

On this day in history...

1105—Rabbi Nathan ben Yehiel of Rome completes the Talmudic dictionary. He immediately begins work on the Talmudic thesaurus. 

Sophomore manages to do dishes despite having spoiled upbringing

Although his childhood and adolescence consisted of absolutely no burden for taking care of himself, UW-Madison sophomore Jackson Ripley mustered the motivation to rinse his dirty plate in the sink and then place it into the dishwasher at his 606 Equinox apartment.