The Beet

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Almanac Animal Review: Aye-aye

Aye-aye at a glance PHYSICAL TRAITS: Disgusting, horrendous middle finger, some crazy eyes that have seen some crazy shit, Bernie Sanders hair, satellite-dish ears that pick up ESPN. CAREER GOALS: Eventually create a trend that actually sticks, stop failing at setting trends, get better at setting trends, improve his trend-setting abilities.  PRIMARY FLAWS: Completely unaware of cultural norms, most people want to kill it with fire.  SPECIAL ABILITIES: Can throw back triple-venti half-sweet nonfat caramel macchiatos like nobody’s business. PLACE OF RESIDENCE: Madagascar, or wherever the next trend is emerging so he can try and fail to set it. Final Score: 11/10 FULL REVIEW:  It has obviously been a lifelong goal of mine to drink a cup of my favorite drink, a triple-venti half-sweet nonfat caramel macchiato, in every country.

Wall Street banker deems soul useless, loans it out for huge profit

Chad Trent, recent grad of Harvard University and current Wall Street banker, loaned out his soul at an adjustable subprime rate around 11 a.m.

The gosh-darn cutest honeybee ever tragically killed by careless toddler

Tragedy struck during the anomalous spring weather last weekend when a local honeybee, venturing from its hive to explore a Monroe Street sidewalk, was unceremoniously stepped on by a passing toddler. Mona Johnson, known as “Banana” to family and friends, reportedly crushed the unwitting honeybee with her size-three Minnie Mouse sneakers as she carelessly hopped along the sidewalk to avoid stepping on the cracks. Eyewitness reports say the honeybee, bumbling along the concrete and projecting a gentle aura of curious joy to passers-by through its mere presence, was covered with “fuzzy-wuzzy wittle hairs” and periodically buzzing its “cutesy-tootsy teeny wingsies” before being mercilessly wiped from existence by a force 10,000 times its weight. To date, the bee’s hive has made no motions to press charges.

Local student exists on higher level than peers

Sophomore and amateur sports statistician Chad Zooti spends his days inhabiting a higher stratum of consciousness, sources say.   Towering over his peers in all aspects of knowledge and intellect, Zooti has gained a following both on campus and in the Reddit channel “/r/baseball,” offering guidance on topics ranging from the illusory nature of reality, to how to beat the system, to how to get hot chicks. “His dad owns a dealership,” claims longtime friend, Ty Smiff.

Between the Sheets: Swiper, keep swiping! An intro to dating apps

Marco Rubio deports own parents, proves he’s tough on immigration

Publisher set to release textbook’s highly anticipated ninth edition

New York-based publishing giant Briggs and Briggs announced Wednesday their much-anticipated ninth edition of “Textbooks: A Modus Operandi,” the authoritative textbook on the art of crafting and marketing textbooks. Written by renowned economics scholar Max Abeuse, “A Modus Operandi” has become a perennial success and new-age classic with eight rereleases since its 2010 debut.

Renowned sexpert suggests public urination, chemistry lessons as top ways to combat sexual frustration

The Madison Police Department and American Chemistry Society released a statement early Saturday morning highlighting a correlation between the recent doubling of urination citations and the increase in chemistry enrollment, ultimately  attributing sexually frustrated couples as the main culprits. The world renowned expert of sex, Aleigha “pound-town” Haut, sat down with two Cardinal reporters to discuss why the increasing trend is actually a positive thing.  Known for her new book “51 Shades of Get It On,” Haut has counseled countless couples to be the best they can be for their partner.

Top Speculations about Jesus’ Middle Name

Almanac Animal Review: Proboscis Monkey

GOP candidates dodge questions about injuries sustained in post-debate scuffle

Between the Sheets: Feminist porn and where to find it, a beginners guide

Whether Sunday was a day of wining and dining with a valentine, or if it had more of an alone-and-fine-with-it (or pretending to be fine with it) vibe, one thing unites us all on the day of love: searching for porn on the Internet.

‘Cam Newton is childish,’ says grown man who watches sports for a living

Following Cam Newton’s abrupt exit from a Super Bowl press conference, ESPN anchor Kevin Mendelson, who watches sports for a living, described the Panthers QB’s actions as “childish,” according to multiple sources. Newton left the press conference without an explanation.

‘Enhanced interrogation’ propels Ted Cruz to family game night victory

Texas senator and presidential hopeful Ted Cruz emerged victorious after family game night in the Cruz home Wednesday.

Corduroy pillows make headlines across the country

The new nationwide trend of corduroy pillows has recently reached the Madison community. Madison citizens can be seen in coffee shops, on bicycles or even strolling down State Street while sporting freshly pressed lines across their cheeks. Designer pillow extraordinaire Kevin Thomas gave Daily Cardinal reporters some insight as to why the trend has caught on so quickly.

Almanac Animal Review: Seahorses

Seahorses at a glance: PHYSICAL TRAITS: Flexible back, weirdly bony back, cinnamon roll-like back, funky-looking back, really odd back. CAREER GOALS: Eventually overthrow the tyranny of real horses, travel at 5.1 feet per hour, make back a little less weird-looking. PRIMARY FLAWS: Extremely self-conscious of weird-looking back, nobody seems to know why they even exist, can’t be trusted for any reason.  SPECIAL ABILITIES: Close advisor to Usain Bolt, able to distort back in a pretty gross way, males are able to birth children by carrying them inside their duderuses. PLACE OF RESIDENCE: Water... particularly ocean water. Final Score: 9.53/10 FULL REVIEW:  When visiting my tailor in southern Indiana last week, I was abducted by a group of inland Somali pirates who couldn’t resist a man with a well-fitting suit.

Ten things you didn't know you do wrong

1. Mispronouncing your mother’s name. It’s And-rea, not An-drea. 2. Believing in Bigfoot, not Sasquatch. 3.

PSA to New Hampshire Voters: Superstorm Donald is on its way

Preliminary research suggests Bucky may not be real badger

Millions of prayers answered as God remembers cell phone passcode

Prosperity and joy were felt around the world this morning after God, creator of the heavens and the earth, remembered his cell phone passcode following a multi-millennia lockout. According to sources close to God, the lockout started as a prank by God’s former angel, Satan.