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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, November 28, 2023

The Beet

THE BEET

Silverback gorillas escape from primate lab, wreak havoc on Mifflin Street

Mifflin Street has been closed to the public and largely sealed off from reporters and press after a group of juvenile silverback gorillas escaped containment at the controversial Harlow Center for Biological Psychology—more commonly known as the Primate Lab—and utterly trashed the rental properties on Mifflin Street a full two months before tradition dictated they be trashed during the Mifflin Street Block Party. “We were not aware of the presence of these gorillas on our campus,” an assistant dean of the Psychology Department said.


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THE BEET

Broken Villanelle

There’s no place like home And I can’t click my heels together anymore so I’ll lock the door on my way out  Watching the sky turn color still makes me melt  The smell of your hair reminds me of coffee in the morning Theres no place like home The windows of your mind have bars now And you don’t let the wind blow through the house I’ll lock the door on my way out I remember when your eyes still reflected in mine But you le(f)t the sun set too early Theres no place like home “Leaving your light on is like throwing money down the drain.” - I watched you tear the spark from the wall  I’ll lock the door on my way out  The house is cold now And the lightbulbs are shattered There’s no place like home I promise I’ll lock the door on my way out


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Silk House (Do Ho Suh)

you tore through me, silk house with meticulously sewed outlets in my walls promptly ripped out, delivering no electric shock. i was a glitchy home, you seemed to think, yet you made the effort to stitch your name into hard-to-reach spaces until the translucent baseboards were cluttered with it, over and over. the fireplace doesn’t work, it only suggests a space that should be for fire. you’ll live in better places (i was transitional), but still, there was the time you sat in wonder on the stained living room couch, my gauzy windows letting through a handful of rainbow, and watched its ghost pass over the walls.


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THE BEET

Blue

It was a carousel, singular and safe. Catching balls and blind, It’s middle-ground: This grass is a highway billboard, prying its corporate teeth into the branded of maggots. It’s a gross pasture of slabs and breast-fed bed bugs milking from the craven nipples of those who sleep with metal eyes and slaved toes. I’d rather reign inside, under mahogany crowns, and crying fires, like a half-formed memory, because only I understand I. This grass can’t understand the known. This grass I trudge on is blue, Lightnin’ and Waters.


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THE BEET

Ways of Survival

A White woman I’d never seen accused me Of stealing her son’s wallet While it was in his hand. I laughed it off with the simple confidence Of having habitually survived trauma. But that night I had a dream That my lightest-skinned cousin, the one who used to deny he is Mexican, Was stabbing me in my gut with a knife. I bled white blood like guilt. My body was a colorless flag Too thin to do anything but surrender.   The man I am in love with is White. He once asked me if I was “into” White men.


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THE BEET

Every Friday @ 9

The cleaning lady works like clockwork, fume mask, no gloves. She cleans the silent, already spotless, dentist office without music, Islam ti duro, Islam has come to stay , she would sing to herself. She does not look like her boss. Her boss does not look at her, just leaves her a check next to family photos and tells her not to turn on all of the lights. Look at her hands. See how the Pinesol, the Windex, the Clorox, the cleaning of white people’s shit has aged them. The cleaning lady’s hands are sandpaper, steel wool, diamonds; can remove paint from wall, air from sky, blood from anything. Her husband does not hold her hand. I used to go with the cleaning lady to diffuse the silence; my naive, wide eyes squinted with cleaning fumes, small hands cleaned corners thoroughly. Mommy’s helper, they called me, and watched me grow from cleaning mirrors to vacuuming the hallway. I once asked her why we don’t go to this dentist office, she said we couldn’t afford it. The cleaning lady has been cleaning the same dentist office for over 20 years, waxed belly and waxed floors, it is already in me: back problems and no eye contact.     I am half rag and half obedience. I would make a good wife. Hands rough and calloused from the right way of scrubbing a bathtub, or scrubbing grout from tile, or hand washing blood from anything, no one wants to hold my hand.


THE BEET

Kyrie Irving unable to describe shape of regulation NBA basketball

Cleveland Cavaliers guard Kyrie Irving showed an inability to express the shape of an approved NBA basketball, when pressed Wednesday. The former Duke University standout failed to provide a definitive response upon the request from The Daily Cardinal reporters to dictate what type of geometric figure he believed a standard-issue Spalding league ball to be. “I don’t know,” Irving said.


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THE BEET

there is no was anymore

there is no was anymore (hell there’s hardly any is). march on, beat four don’t care for three. (much less two) (but still looks ahead to one) one day you’ll forget zero day, i swear, and someday you’ll finally be in love with twoday. but first ya’ll got to start counting again— and you are am, and time still is. so move, for in motion you move to beat four and finally get a glimpse at one. one is is, and four is was— this is the start of your measure.


THE BEET

Yes, condoms are sexy!

A study published in the BMJ surveyed 51 heterosexual men between the ages of 18-69, showing each of them photos of different women and then gave them a questionnaire.


THE BEET

UW-Madison student appeals exam grade citing ‘alternative correctness’

On Tuesday, freshman chemistry student Henry Fischer submitted his most recent exam to be regraded, asserting that his answers were not in fact wrong, but were “alternatively orrect.”    During the exam, which took place on Monday a week prior, Fischer discovered that his high school study tactic of spending the majority of his waking hours watching Netflix, and not studying until the night before, had not prepared him to adequately answer questions regarding stoichiometry or the ideal gas law.



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