THE BEET
Cold weather masks coolest students, makes social climbing inconvenient
By Michael Kowalski | Nov. 13, 2017“It’s that time of year again, and I can’t stand it,” stated freshman Max Dudley.
The Beet
THE BEET
Local stay-at-home mom dismantles NRA
By Michael Kowalski | Nov. 9, 2017“After three years of diligent commenting on the Facebook, my efforts have finally produced the results I’ve been expecting,” stated Madison resident and stay-at-home mom, Barb Suzanna.
THE BEET
EPA chief Scott Pruitt says wind turbines are responsible for recent increase in hurricane activity
By Marc Tost | Nov. 9, 2017In a move that continues this week’s trend of surprising decisions from President Trump’s executive branch, the head of the Environmental Protection Agency, Scott Pruitt, announced that he would demand a large-scale investigation into the role that off-shore wind turbines played in the series of devastating hurricanes that hit Florida and Texas this summer. At a press conference on Tuesday, Pruitt made the announcement directly after a 15-minute speech about the benefits of coal.
THE BEET
United States apparently on the brink of nuclear war with Canada
By Samantha Munro Jones | Nov. 9, 2017It is true: The screeching anti-Trump millennials were right. The United States is on the brink of an eradication-worthy nuclear war with Canada.
THE BEET
Republicans say it's not the time to talk about gun control, but whispering is fine
By Ayomide Awosika | Nov. 7, 2017In light of the recent Texas church shooting, the topic of gun control laws has once again been brought to dinner tables just in time for Thanksgiving dinner.
THE BEET
EPA scientists using government funds to inhale computer cleaner
By Patrick Hoeppner and Savannah McHugh | Nov. 2, 2017A recent WikiLeaks article revealed that the scientists have been using tax revenue to purchase computer cleaner, inhaling an average of ten bottles per scientist per day. “Seeing that their contributions to the government and our environment are being strategically and intentionally eroded and invalidated, it makes sense to see that our staff as a whole is succumbing to an inhalant addiction which will make as large a dent in our ozone layer as possible,” an EPA representative said at a press conference. “Sales of computer cleaner are off the charts,” a supply chain representative of Staples said.
FOOTBALL
Actor who plays Bucky Badger bringing work home with him, girlfriend says
By Dylan Anderson | Nov. 2, 2017Aaron Thatcher, an actor who portrays University of Wisconsin mascot Bucky Badger has been struggling to separate his work and home life lately, according to his girlfriend. In an exclusive interview with The Daily Cardinal, Thatcher’s girlfriend Alexis Martin divulged that he has now assumed the role of Bucky at all times. “I don’t even recognize him anymore,” Martin, who lives with Thatcher, said.
THE BEET
DJ Khaled concert awesome: this article sponsored by Mentos Gum™
By Jared Holloway | Nov. 2, 2017Madison students flocked to the Kohl Center Monday night where almost 40 of them were legitimately excited to see DJ Khaled perform thanks to Mentos Gum™. As a result of the confusing but probably wildly successful campaign with Madison student Sam, enough Mentos Gum™ was distributed for free around campus for Mentos™ to sponsor a free DJ Khaled concert. Thanks to Mentos Gum™, students were able to stand in a dark crowded room and watch DJ Khaled play his Spotify on shuffle and ask the audience for applause.
THE BEET
Herculaneum: Part 2
Oct. 30, 2017This the second installment of a pulse-pounding science fiction series. Will the police officers of Herculaneum reach the evacuation craft on time, or will the ash cloud from the erupting Olympus Mons finish them first? “It’s a quake,” the officer said.
THE BEET
In latest effort to help Puerto Rico, Trump mistakenly sends relief supplies to Hawaii
By Savannah McHugh | Oct. 30, 2017In his latest effort to provide disaster relief aid to the citizens of Puerto Rico, President Trump approved the details of a plan that would send three ships’ worth of supplies overseas, mainly including strawberry lemonade water flavoring packets and home-baked cookies from the White House kitchen.
THE BEET
Wisconsin government soon to pass abstinence-only legislature
By Ayomide Awosika | Oct. 26, 2017Late Tuesday afternoon, The Daily Cardinal got wind of a new bill being proposed by Wisconsin state lawmakers that aims to implement abstinence-only education in publicly funded schools, ranging from elementary schools to the university level.
BASKETBALL
Gordon Hayward euthanized by Celtics management after breaking leg in season opener
By Patrick Hoeppner | Oct. 26, 2017Fans of the Boston Celtics mourned Wednesday morning after the Boston Celtics management announced that their star forward, Gordon Hayward, had been put down by team doctors after breaking his leg.
THE BEET
Steve Jobs Envisioned Free Internet Porn, Advocated Porn Accessibility
By Jared Holloway | Oct. 26, 2017Steve Jobs, the co-founder of Apple and legendary tech visionary, is now believed to have influenced yet another essential facet of modern life.
LIFE & STYLE
When in doubt, lube it out — the beginner’s guide to sex with lube
By Anna Welch , Sydney Thomas and Ayden Prehara | Oct. 23, 2017This week, Indecent Exposure is giving lube the attention it deserves but often doesn’t get.
FOOTBALL
Washington Redskins announce changing team mascot to potato
By Patrick Hoeppner and Ayomide Awosika | Oct. 19, 2017At a press conference preceding their next game, the Washington Redskins owner, Dan Snyder, announced that the team will be changing their mascot to a humanoid potato before the current NFL season concludes.
THE BEET
Study shows that students purchase MacBooks to stealthily text in class
By Savannah McHugh | Oct. 19, 2017Apple has developed an information network, known as iCloud, over which Macbooks and iPhones can be paired to share information.
THE BEET
Supervolcano is sick of everyone’s crap, threatens to erupt
By Samantha Munro Jones | Oct. 19, 2017Millions of people nationwide panicked last week when word spread that the vast Yellowstone Caldera, or underground super volcano, has a magma reservoir that is nearly two and a half times larger than previously thought by scientists.
THE BEET
Student disappointed when not imbued with infinite wisdom after all-nighter
By Savannah McHugh | Oct. 16, 2017With midterm season looming over UW-Madison’s campus this month, students of all disciplines are seeking to pass their midterms as professors hand them out across campus.
THE BEET
Herculaneum
By Patrick Hoeppner | Oct. 16, 2017This the first installment of a new science fiction series. “Herculaneum” follows the story of Mindy Perot as she oversees the evacuation of a Mars colony in the midst ofa devastating volcanic eruption.
THE BEET
FDA and drug lords issue a massive heroin recall
By Jared Holloway | Oct. 16, 2017In light of a recent bad crop that went to market, the FDA and major drug cartels are recalling all heroin sold in the US within the past two weeks to ensure the continuing safety of consumers.
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