Attorney General Jeff Sessions was admitted into intensive aquarium care at the Baltimore Aquarium late yesterday after congressional interrogations caused a severe nervous reaction.
According to Sewell Social Sciences men’s room sources, the university-supplied toilet paper used to wipe the bum of senior Peter Olson is so fragile, it rivaled his masculinity complex in terms of frailty. The economics major, who refers to his friendships with men as bromances, accidentally pierced the bath tissue with two of his fingers post-shit during one of many passages necessitated by the inadequate paper. “That’s the closest anything has ever come to going up my ass,” Olson said.
Local Culver’s loyalist Bobby McButtery was caught completely off-guard when his heart violently attacked him Monday evening. “I was just sitting down to my dinner of a Bacon Butterburger and deep-fried cheese curds when I noticed my arm started to hurt, and I suddenly had a general feeling of impending doom,” McButtery said from his hospital bed on Tuesday morning.
Mindy Perot has been charged with leading the evacuation of a doomed Mars colony in the aftermath of a devastating volcanic eruption.
Due to a past of neglecting every “Jane” that was supposed to be a “John” and allegations of Fido being the main course for lunch every Thursday, China has transitioned to being a country based solely off love, acceptance, and forgiveness. The country’s new policy was enacted recently when the President of the United States, Donald Trump, left for his visit to this Asian country.
“It’s that time of year again, and I can’t stand it,” stated freshman Max Dudley.
“After three years of diligent commenting on the Facebook, my efforts have finally produced the results I’ve been expecting,” stated Madison resident and stay-at-home mom, Barb Suzanna.
In a move that continues this week’s trend of surprising decisions from President Trump’s executive branch, the head of the Environmental Protection Agency, Scott Pruitt, announced that he would demand a large-scale investigation into the role that off-shore wind turbines played in the series of devastating hurricanes that hit Florida and Texas this summer. At a press conference on Tuesday, Pruitt made the announcement directly after a 15-minute speech about the benefits of coal.
It is true: The screeching anti-Trump millennials were right. The United States is on the brink of an eradication-worthy nuclear war with Canada.
In light of the recent Texas church shooting, the topic of gun control laws has once again been brought to dinner tables just in time for Thanksgiving dinner.
A recent WikiLeaks article revealed that the scientists have been using tax revenue to purchase computer cleaner, inhaling an average of ten bottles per scientist per day. “Seeing that their contributions to the government and our environment are being strategically and intentionally eroded and invalidated, it makes sense to see that our staff as a whole is succumbing to an inhalant addiction which will make as large a dent in our ozone layer as possible,” an EPA representative said at a press conference. “Sales of computer cleaner are off the charts,” a supply chain representative of Staples said.
Aaron Thatcher, an actor who portrays University of Wisconsin mascot Bucky Badger has been struggling to separate his work and home life lately, according to his girlfriend. In an exclusive interview with The Daily Cardinal, Thatcher’s girlfriend Alexis Martin divulged that he has now assumed the role of Bucky at all times. “I don’t even recognize him anymore,” Martin, who lives with Thatcher, said.
Madison students flocked to the Kohl Center Monday night where almost 40 of them were legitimately excited to see DJ Khaled perform thanks to Mentos Gum™. As a result of the confusing but probably wildly successful campaign with Madison student Sam, enough Mentos Gum™ was distributed for free around campus for Mentos™ to sponsor a free DJ Khaled concert. Thanks to Mentos Gum™, students were able to stand in a dark crowded room and watch DJ Khaled play his Spotify on shuffle and ask the audience for applause.
This the second installment of a pulse-pounding science fiction series. Will the police officers of Herculaneum reach the evacuation craft on time, or will the ash cloud from the erupting Olympus Mons finish them first? “It’s a quake,” the officer said.
In his latest effort to provide disaster relief aid to the citizens of Puerto Rico, President Trump approved the details of a plan that would send three ships’ worth of supplies overseas, mainly including strawberry lemonade water flavoring packets and home-baked cookies from the White House kitchen.
Late Tuesday afternoon, The Daily Cardinal got wind of a new bill being proposed by Wisconsin state lawmakers that aims to implement abstinence-only education in publicly funded schools, ranging from elementary schools to the university level.
Fans of the Boston Celtics mourned Wednesday morning after the Boston Celtics management announced that their star forward, Gordon Hayward, had been put down by team doctors after breaking his leg.
Steve Jobs, the co-founder of Apple and legendary tech visionary, is now believed to have influenced yet another essential facet of modern life.
This week, Indecent Exposure is giving lube the attention it deserves but often doesn’t get.
At a press conference preceding their next game, the Washington Redskins owner, Dan Snyder, announced that the team will be changing their mascot to a humanoid potato before the current NFL season concludes.
Solutions by The State News
