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Thursday, December 18, 2025

The Beet

LIFE & STYLE

Swipe^2

By Rachel Haynes | Nov. 8, 2018

Swipe Left, Swipe Right Who will I swipe tonight, Am I looking for some fun? Or am I looking for the one? Swipe Left, Swipe Right I got a new match, DM, Alright,  Swipe Left, Swipe Right “I’ve never dated a black  women before...” Unmatched, God, not another one! Swipe Left, Swipe Right How did my friend meet  the one? Did she swipe 24 hours a  day, Was she even having fun? Swipe Left, Swipe Right DM, “Dinner and a movie tonight?” I guess that sounds like fun Swipe Left, Swipe Right One date, two dates,  I think it’s going well Ghosted. Swipe Left, Swipe Right Is this millennial love? Boiled down to a few math    algorithms  And superficial profiles Swipe Left, Swipe Right I could swipe all night Will I ever be happy? Delete. 

THE BEET

Goat Eyes

By Kellen Sharp | Nov. 1, 2018

This powerful short story is written by Kellen Sharp and is inspired by the tales of indigenous creation and exploration. There once was a village girl, they called her Goat Eyes  She grew up in a home two parts mosquitos, one part malaria. Food was scarce, winter was coming but winter was never as cold As the people’s shoulders turned when she begged them for food, her family was starving.  Her mother told her that her father was lost at sea, but she knew he lost himself in alcohol. Goat Eyes yearned for bottles of fresh water, and the handsome farmer boy Would always save her some before watering the plants  But something about the air was different, a storm was coming.  He wasn’t at his usual post selling tomatoes, she couldn’t go back empty handed Her sisters could only suck so much life out of their mother’s chest before she was lost to the journey. She had to find something, suddenly her ears bucked, she heard her name called. An elder stood before her, Goat Eyes bowed to her as the elephants bowed to water holes. Just as thirsty Goat Girl said, “My oh my, Elder what do I need do you have water to spare to me?” The elder said, “Let me think oh let me think, do I have something to drink.” “Yes I do, but you won’t like what I will ask in return of you.” Goat Eyes thought of her family. She was uneasy but she had always been taught to listen to her elders so she conceded. “My family is hungry, whatever you can give me is better than nothing.” The elder smirked and said, “I only ask one thing, they call me the centipede, I crawl into  Your head and peer in your dreams, I know what you think of that handsome younger farmer boy, you want to do the unholy, if you sacrifice your lust I’ll give all the water that you can drink Your family will never have to worry about you if you never thirst again.” Goat Eyes thought, she had grown to love farmer boy for his generosity. He was so giving in her time of need, but she admitted lately she’d had feelings of thirst water couldn’t quench, only him. But her family meant much more, she agreed. Startled by a drum of thunder she turned and dove for the ground, when she got back the elder had vanished. Suddenly droplets of water started on her face, and then on her garb, then pretty soon the whole village was drenched in fresh water. It rained all winter, then spring, then summer, then autumn, then winter again for three years. The third year the farmer boy had returned, exchanging his garden tools for a ship’s sail. He arrived, muscular and seasoned by the sea, instantly he recognized her and she him. Forgetting her promise, she lay with him in his home the fourth year of rain In the morning Goat Eyes got out of bed and listened, no rain. She turned toward the farmer boy, horrified at what she witnessed. Centipedes scuttled in and out of his ears and in and out of his nose, his eyes were scooped out  And blood soaked into the dirt. She ran out of her home only to her mother’s home only to see she and her children, but they had Met the same fate, the sun was intensely hot. Goat Eyes buckled to her knees and yelled to the top of her lungs Her screams started to change from shrill to booming, heavy, her hands and legs grew heavier still. She got on all fours and bucked, hooves sprouted from her hands and  She watched the elder walk towards her. “You went back on your promise the water must go, since you are so lustful, you must Spend the rest of your life as a Goat.” Goat Eyes trotted to the evaporating watering hole and kneeled down to look at her reflection. Gigantic goat horns had sprouted from her head, she cried for months at the watering hole, Praying for the water to return; the gods must’ve heard her because one day it did, But with it came elephants, and in her sleep, as the elephant bowed before the watering hole, She was crushed, they say it rained for years after her death, and still even to this day,  Goats are sacrificed for the rain.

Daily Cardinal
LIFE & STYLE

Let’s Make a Painting

By Jessica Sullivan | Nov. 1, 2018

This week’s “Small Talk” is another beautiful poem from Melanin Speaking writer Jessica Sullivan, showing the importance of creativity and ingenuity. let’s make a painting. we’ll need all the colors for this one, burgundy, sapphire, teal, gold, brown. pick up your brush don’t you see this space is waiting for us? we’ll unleash a wheelhouse watch our colors collide what we’ll create will be breathtaking.

Featured this week is a compelling and heartbreaking poem by Jessica Sullivan.
LIFE & STYLE

The Perks of Being a Mermaid

By Jessica Sullivan | Oct. 25, 2018

I’ve always wanted to be a mermaid.  Not for the sexy, mystical persona,  The slim figure sunbathing on a rock, nah,  I want to be a mermaid for the tail.  I want to swim into the waters that swallowed  My ancestors, feel my beautiful glistening tail Power through the waves, go back  Through time, meet all of those who left too soon.  I imagine when we die the earth enveloped us back  In its arms it made us mermaids,  Ethereal and magical.  I want to delve deep into the waters That we call home,  Swim up to Emmett Till as he was Before the lynching, a gorgeous black Boy with a tail that matched the color  Of the autumn leaves.  He’d welcome me home with the sun in his smile,  Ask if the world is better now.  How do I tell a boy who died in 1955  The trees still seep our blood,  That we’re in a losing race with bullets?  We’d swim together, water particles  Brushing our skin like we’re kindred spirits,  He’d show me the family I’ve never known. I’d play messenger for the unarmed black boys  Who want to tell their families they’re okay,  Now, there’s no to worry for our safety because  Who would shoot a mermaid? I can’t look at the water  Without seeing the ships, they’re calling me home, waiting to welcome me with open arms.  What can I say, I’ve always wanted to be a mermaid.

New bros embrace as a shocked onlooker realizes the country’s impending doom.
THE BEET

Trump befriends 'Beautiful Ted' Cruz, bromance to ensure total governmental control

By Bailey Hills | Oct. 25, 2018

As Election Day approaches, President Donald Trump has been seen on the campaign trail, endorsing various like-minded right-wing candidates across the country. His goal? To give more time to candidates than former President Barack Obama did in 2010. After all, his painstakingly competitive nature remains necessary in order to maintain a total disregard for any bipartisan roles he might be expected to fulfill as the representative of an entire country. It may be that the common conspiracy is true: The first of Trump’s “ten commandments” as president is to solidify a republican majority, or, in his own terms, to push out the “angry, ruthless, unhinged mob” that is the democratic party.

THE BEET

The Enabler

By Sam Jones | Sep. 27, 2018

This free-form piece is the debut poetic work of writer and editor Sam Jones. Sam is a sophomore in the Journalism School studying reporting and strategic communication.

THE BEET

Concrete Roses

By Kellen Sharp | Sep. 27, 2018

This powerful prose piece is the debut creative work of writer Kellen Sharp. Kellen is a freshman studying communication arts with hopes of double majoring in journalism.

Pictured here are some of the lesser-scoring results from the Political Science department’s poll on what is causing all misfortune in the world.
THE BEET

New study finds that fracking and immigrants are the reason for everything bad

By Sam Jones | Sep. 20, 2018

It’s blatantly obvious that the public education system is built around rationality and prioritization, so it is no shock that a recent study conducted by UW’s Political Science Department was focused around those very topics. The study was sent out to everyone on campus that identified themselves as watching or reading the news at least once a year.

A local newly-superior mallard aspires to be the scourge of humanity.
CAMPUS NEWS

Ducks exploit the fruits of climate change while conspiring to overthrow humanity

By Bailey Hills | Sep. 20, 2018

With Lake Mendota water levels on the rise, the ducks of Madison are now floating higher than ever: despite the misfortune brought on by the recent algaeplague found in the waters of their summer home, the ducks embrace climate change’s gift of an elevated eye level. Whether they find themselves closer to a concert on the terrace or to the breadcrumbs of an unsuspecting child, it is quite plausible that these waterfowl are gaining a new confidence. 

Linda Johnson anxiously checks her Facebook page for likes and comments from her almost middle-aged female friends.
CAMPUS NEWS

Local Facebook mom goes viral after posting Langdon Bid Day woes

By Sam Jones | Sep. 13, 2018

Ah, Bid Day. Hordes of sorority sisters traveling, speaking, singing, and dancing in impenetrable packs: what’s so scary about that?  However, the glory of the over-enthusiastic and estrogen-fueled Bid Day for campus sororities was less than enjoyable for Linda Johnson, a concerned mother, essential oils dealer, organic tomato grower, and avid Facebook user.

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