After the tragic passing of feminist icon and 27-year Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader-Ginsburg on Friday, President Trump and his GOP, a party of deeply-faithful Christians that cherish the sanctity of human life, have decided to honor Ginsburg’s dying wish and the precedent they set in 2016 that she not be replaced until after this Nov. 3 election.
This past Sunday, a Madison man filed suit against the sky after being hit with a raining kangaroo. Frederick Harold Schumer-Harold, the subject of the case, experienced severe injuries to his sense of what is possible in the physical world and is seeking damages of 18 clouds.
Associated Students of Madison has opened up an investigation into Becky Blank’s alleged collusion with the coronavirus, according to a statement from the ASM Press Office this morning. A special counsel will be appointed in the coming weeks and begin investigating the Chancellor.
The hallways of Witte painted a stark contrast this weekend to what they looked like during the alleged lockdown. Mask-less freshmen crowded the lobby and elevators in their best crop tops and jersey-hoodie combos in pursuit of the allusive bar scene and Langdon houses that had yet to be shut down.
In a semester that is now entirely online, several professors have chosen to implement new technology to ensure academic honesty. Many classes now require students to use certain programs which can detect if students open up a new window during online exams, or even video a student’s room to catch if notes are being used.
The COVID-19 pandemic has created a host of new situations that the world is still learning how to adapt to. For instance, how should schools approach reopening their classrooms? What are options for people to vote safely in upcoming elections? Should sports teams plan on making a comeback?
In a typical semester, the Humanities Building Minotaur, Pete McChompsalot (A.K.A. Sir Chompsalot, AKA. Peter the Student Eater, AKA. 2Chompz), has a full schedule ripping arms and biting heads off of all the lost students of Humanities who cross his path on the third floor. However, since the onset of the coronavirus pandemic which forced the majority of classes to go online, McChompsalot has been severely starved for activity.
Controversy has mounted recently in response to a tweet by Starship robot F13G78A2, who simply goes by Helen. After tweeting — and then deleting — a post on Thursday which read “Starship Lives Matter,” many have spoken out saying that the tweet was offensive and inappropriate.
Another tragic account involving a failed social justice warrior... Curse instant gratification and inflated egos!
There's only one explanation for the swirly and blocky calligraphy infiltrating female millennials' Tinder messages... and it's that King Henry VIII is alive and well.
Eeny, meeny, miney, moe. Catch a stuffed tiger by the toe. If he hollers, or if he doesn't, let him go. Eeny, meeny, miney, moe.
Scientists have recently uncovered evidence showing that contracting COVID-19 is highly dependent on zodiac sign.
Due to the global coronavirus pandemic, Dean of Students Lori Berquam wasn’t the only one saying “don’t go” to Mifflin this year. Governor Evers got in on the action by passing the "Safer at Home" order which prohibits public gatherings until May 26th. Of course, that didn’t stop the most ‘murican of Americans from descending on Madtown for the occasion.
While most Americans were caught by surprise when the nation shut down to slow the spread of coronavirus, I was one of the few who saw it coming, and I acted.
The Office of the Governor has proposed a creative solution to slowing the spread of Covid-19: placing Illinois residents on each street corner to encourage social distancing.
Social media influencer Karen McSmith singlehandedly eases worlds' troubles with her selfless contributions of uplifting social media content.
Many students who have lost their opportunity to work due to the coronavirus pandemic are struggling; in a feeble attempt to address concerns, the university released a limited number of part-time summer positions titled “Starship Emotional Support.”
O'Johnson, standing in front of his webcam for an uncomfortable amount of time, made sure we captured the perfect shot of his chiseled arms.
Coronavirus patients in Sellery could likely start a rousing game of beer pong using two half-empty cans of Natural Light laying underneath their beds.
Solutions by The State News
