The Beet
THE BEET
STEM departments uncancel class: “Coronavirus panic creates exact type of stressful environment we want to train our students to thrive in”
By Jordan Simon | Mar. 12, 2020STEM departments will hold class despite Covid-19 concerns.
THE BEET
Report: Jesus definitely did cocaine
By Anonymous Cocaine Historian | Mar. 9, 2020Jesus Christ thinks cocaine is real nice.
THE BEET
Elizabeth Warren Accused of Tanking Campaign to Receive First Overall Draft Pick for 2024 Presidential Election
By Jordan Simon | Mar. 4, 2020Elizabeth Warren answers questions at a press conference following Super Tuesday.
THE BEET
Canada Goose is not cute, a brief history
By Bailey Hills | Feb. 20, 2020This highly un-cute attire perches on a cabin quite un-cutely.
THE BEET
New electability standards introduced by DNC hopes to narrow down 2020 options
By Sam Jones | Feb. 20, 2020Elizabeth Warren tries to appeal to voters by presenting her salamander knowledge. "This is a Fire Salamander," she says.
THE BEET
Kobe King confirms transfer after 1v1 with coach Gard
By Taylor F. Selong | Feb. 6, 2020"Late last Wednesday Kobe King announced his decision to immediately leave the Badger Men’s basketball team, citing a growing frustration with head coach Greg Gard as the reason for his departure."
THE BEET
EU finally receives divorce it deserves from obnoxious, self-centered partner
By Jordan Simon | Feb. 6, 2020The European Union is finally free from Great Britain’s Euroskepicism.
THE BEET
An analysis of the phrase “hot as balls”
By Jordan Simon | Feb. 6, 2020“Hot as balls” is a commonly used phrase, but what exactly is its appropriate use? Read to find out more!
THE BEET
Pixels
By Anupras Mohapatra | Feb. 6, 2020"Perhaps someday I’ll be a pixel truly part of the picture, no longer out of place."
THE BEET
Student crosses crosswalk with no sense of urgency with only two seconds left on crossing signal
By Bailey Hills | Jan. 30, 2020Poor crosswalk man now powerless.
THE BEET
Preston: A post-apocalyptic social commentary of germ-normous importance [Sponsored by Lysol]
By Jordan Simon | Jan. 30, 2020It was just another day in West Streptococcus, a city located on the desk of fourth-grader Jimmy Sutton, but suddenly a big cloud appeared in the sky. That was all Preston could remember before he woke up in a strange new place.
THE BEET
Almanac Icebreakers
By Jordan Simon , Madison Moore and Bailey Hills | Jan. 21, 2020Dreading beginning-of-the-semester icebreakers? Almanac has you covered with 20 unique ideas that will have you prepared for any ice breaker that your professor may throw your way.
THE BEET
Teen claims that his balls dropped in unison with Times Square ball drop
By Bailey Hills | Jan. 21, 2020Smith ponders the meaning behind his testicular development.
THE BEET
Spotify rolls out aggressive marketing tactic, encouraging premium subscriptions
By Bailey Hills | Jan. 21, 2020Spotify encourages users to go premium with a new idea to interrupt songs every ten seconds with the same advertisement.
THE BEET
After over 5,600 NetID accounts hacked, UW-Madison moves to implement third factor of authentication
By Jordan Simon | Jan. 21, 2020UW-Madison has announced they will implement a third-factor authentication to the login process.
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