The Beet
THE BEET
How to go to bars during a pandemic
By Bailey Hills | Sep. 10, 2020The COVID-19 pandemic has created a host of new situations that the world is still learning how to adapt to. For instance, how should schools approach reopening their classrooms? What are options for people to vote safely in upcoming elections? Should sports teams plan on making a comeback?
THE BEET
With decline in number of students lost in Humanities labyrinth, Minotaur from third floor using newfound free time to find love
By Jordan Simon | Sep. 10, 2020In a typical semester, the Humanities Building Minotaur, Pete McChompsalot (A.K.A. Sir Chompsalot, AKA. Peter the Student Eater, AKA. 2Chompz), has a full schedule ripping arms and biting heads off of all the lost students of Humanities who cross his path on the third floor. However, since the onset of the coronavirus pandemic which forced the majority of classes to go online, McChompsalot has been severely starved for activity.
THE BEET
Area robot faces backlash for ‘Starship Lives Matter’ tweet
By Jordan Simon | Sep. 10, 2020Controversy has mounted recently in response to a tweet by Starship robot F13G78A2, who simply goes by Helen. After tweeting — and then deleting — a post on Thursday which read “Starship Lives Matter,” many have spoken out saying that the tweet was offensive and inappropriate.
THE BEET
Cardinal staffer furious that her op-eds haven’t fixed all societal issues, quits
By Anupras Mohapatra | Aug. 31, 2020Another tragic account involving a failed social justice warrior... Curse instant gratification and inflated egos!
THE BEET
Unsuspecting Tinder user stumbles upon King Henry VIII, long live the king!
By Bailey Hills | Apr. 29, 2020There's only one explanation for the swirly and blocky calligraphy infiltrating female millennials' Tinder messages... and it's that King Henry VIII is alive and well.
THE BEET
In the era of coronavirus nothing matters anymore, so why is it still so hard to win a stuffed animal from a claw machine?
By Jordan Simon | Apr. 27, 2020Eeny, meeny, miney, moe. Catch a stuffed tiger by the toe. If he hollers, or if he doesn't, let him go. Eeny, meeny, miney, moe.
THE BEET
Cardinalscopes: How you will contract coronavirus based on your sign
By Jordan Simon and Bailey Hills | Apr. 24, 2020Scientists have recently uncovered evidence showing that contracting COVID-19 is highly dependent on zodiac sign.
THE BEET
Mifflin was ‘murican AF this year
By Jordan Simon | Apr. 24, 2020Due to the global coronavirus pandemic, Dean of Students Lori Berquam wasn’t the only one saying “don’t go” to Mifflin this year. Governor Evers got in on the action by passing the "Safer at Home" order which prohibits public gatherings until May 26th. Of course, that didn’t stop the most ‘murican of Americans from descending on Madtown for the occasion.
THE BEET
Opinion: I was filing for unemployment weeks before it was cool
By Jordan Simon | Apr. 23, 2020While most Americans were caught by surprise when the nation shut down to slow the spread of coronavirus, I was one of the few who saw it coming, and I acted.
THE BEET
Evers: Illinois residents to be placed on each street corner as encouragement for Wisconsinites to stay inside
By Jordan Simon | Apr. 21, 2020The Office of the Governor has proposed a creative solution to slowing the spread of Covid-19: placing Illinois residents on each street corner to encourage social distancing.
THE BEET
Social media icon selflessly uses platform to raise nation's spirits, miraculously aiding worried souls with kind words through life-shattering pandemic
By Anupras Mohapatra | Apr. 16, 2020Social media influencer Karen McSmith singlehandedly eases worlds' troubles with her selfless contributions of uplifting social media content.
THE BEET
UW-Madison attempts to compensate for student unemployment concerns with Starship emotional support positions
By Bailey Hills | Apr. 16, 2020Many students who have lost their opportunity to work due to the coronavirus pandemic are struggling; in a feeble attempt to address concerns, the university released a limited number of part-time summer positions titled “Starship Emotional Support.”
THE BEET
Discus thrower from UW-Madison wins gold at Olympic qualifying event, credits holding doors, breaking falls for success
By Anupras Mohapatra | Apr. 8, 2020O'Johnson, standing in front of his webcam for an uncomfortable amount of time, made sure we captured the perfect shot of his chiseled arms.
THE BEET
Madisonians hope UW-Madison’s ‘party’ dorms will be the first converted into emergency overflow rooms
By Bailey Hills | Apr. 6, 2020Coronavirus patients in Sellery could likely start a rousing game of beer pong using two half-empty cans of Natural Light laying underneath their beds.
THE BEET
Lockdown
By Anupras Mohapatra | Apr. 5, 2020"This lockdown will not last forever / This lockdown will certainly end"
THE BEET
Coronavirus participated in the ‘until tomorrow’ Instagram challenge and it’s sups embarrassing
By Bailey Hills | Apr. 1, 2020Sad, ugly coronavirus sheds a tear after reading millions of hate comments.
THE BEET
Chad of the Sigma Chicken Pot Pie fraternity at UW-Madison contracts coronavirus
By Gillian Rawling | Apr. 1, 2020Chad McBrad, his boys and their newest Sigma Chicken Pot Pie Pledge, Covid-19.
THE BEET
Announcing an end to their use of superdelegates, the Democratic Party plans to interfere with democratic process using far subtler method: Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots
By Jordan Simon | Mar. 30, 2020The Democratic Party announced that they will no longer use superdelegates to nominate a candidate for the general election, the party will instead force the candidates to play each other in a game of Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots.
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