THE BEET
Johnson aides unsure how to tell ‘anti-mask’ boss that a moon suit is just a stupid mask
By Jordan Simon | Oct. 8, 2020One small step for Ron Johnson, one giant leap backwards for mankind.
The Beet
THE BEET
ASM to hold next ‘No Confidence’ vote in Ian’s Mac & Cheese Pizza
By Jordan Simon | Oct. 8, 2020One week after their bold decision to vote “no confidence” in the UW-Madison Police Department, Associated Students of Madison have moved to voice their disapproval for another problematic institution at the university.
THE BEET
Debate drinking game: Almanac edition
By Gillian Rawling | Oct. 1, 2020Trumps first SCOTUS candidate, Brett Kavanaugh, joining in on the drinking game fun because he still likes beer.
THE BEET
Man wants to jump off bridge after Presidential Debate but doesn’t trust structural integrity of America’s bridges
By Jordan Simon | Oct. 1, 2020It wasn’t a debate. It was an infomercial for anger management. It was what happens when Tom Hanks and John Goodman haven’t eaten their Snickers. It’s what it’s like to watch Step Brothers with drunk goggles for your ears. It was nails on a chalkboard if you had cheated on the chalk board with the nails. It’s what you can expect if Walmart started selling ‘Divorced Parents in a Can.’ It was a punch in the stomach for America. And it drove area man Lloyd Bedfordsmanberg to the edge.
THE BEET
Lincoln: “Nobody asked me if I wanted to be removed – because I do”
By Jordan Simon | Oct. 1, 2020In an interview with campus newspapers on Tuesday, Chancellor Rebecca Blank stated that the removal of a historic statue of Abraham Lincoln on Bascom Hill was a “nonstarter,” shutting down demands made by various BIPOC organizations and individuals on campus who have claimed the statue serves to reinforce white supremacy.
THE BEET
UWPD arrests all members of ASM to show how well they can do job following 'No Confidence' vote
By Jordan Simon | Oct. 1, 2020UWPD officers arrested all members of ASM Wednesday morning to show how well they can do their job following the campus organization’s vote of No Confidence in UWPD on Tuesday night.
THE BEET
Trump’s supreme court contenders: a review
By Nick Rawling | Sep. 24, 2020After the tragic passing of feminist icon and 27-year Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader-Ginsburg on Friday, President Trump and his GOP, a party of deeply-faithful Christians that cherish the sanctity of human life, have decided to honor Ginsburg’s dying wish and the precedent they set in 2016 that she not be replaced until after this Nov. 3 election.
THE BEET
Man struck with raining kangaroo; sues sky
By Joey Koala | Sep. 24, 2020This past Sunday, a Madison man filed suit against the sky after being hit with a raining kangaroo. Frederick Harold Schumer-Harold, the subject of the case, experienced severe injuries to his sense of what is possible in the physical world and is seeking damages of 18 clouds.
THE BEET
ASM votes to open investigation into Becky Blank’s alleged collusion with the coronavirus
By Jordan Simon | Sep. 24, 2020Associated Students of Madison has opened up an investigation into Becky Blank’s alleged collusion with the coronavirus, according to a statement from the ASM Press Office this morning. A special counsel will be appointed in the coming weeks and begin investigating the Chancellor.
THE BEET
Cases in Witte Residence Hall Skyrocket and the “Shower Shitter” resurfaces
By Gillian Rawling | Sep. 17, 2020The hallways of Witte painted a stark contrast this weekend to what they looked like during the alleged lockdown. Mask-less freshmen crowded the lobby and elevators in their best crop tops and jersey-hoodie combos in pursuit of the allusive bar scene and Langdon houses that had yet to be shut down.
THE BEET
Professor requires use of catheter during exams to ensure students not hiding notes in urethra
By Jordan Simon | Sep. 17, 2020In a semester that is now entirely online, several professors have chosen to implement new technology to ensure academic honesty. Many classes now require students to use certain programs which can detect if students open up a new window during online exams, or even video a student’s room to catch if notes are being used.
THE BEET
How to go to bars during a pandemic
By Bailey Hills | Sep. 10, 2020The COVID-19 pandemic has created a host of new situations that the world is still learning how to adapt to. For instance, how should schools approach reopening their classrooms? What are options for people to vote safely in upcoming elections? Should sports teams plan on making a comeback?
THE BEET
With decline in number of students lost in Humanities labyrinth, Minotaur from third floor using newfound free time to find love
By Jordan Simon | Sep. 10, 2020In a typical semester, the Humanities Building Minotaur, Pete McChompsalot (A.K.A. Sir Chompsalot, AKA. Peter the Student Eater, AKA. 2Chompz), has a full schedule ripping arms and biting heads off of all the lost students of Humanities who cross his path on the third floor. However, since the onset of the coronavirus pandemic which forced the majority of classes to go online, McChompsalot has been severely starved for activity.
THE BEET
Area robot faces backlash for ‘Starship Lives Matter’ tweet
By Jordan Simon | Sep. 10, 2020Controversy has mounted recently in response to a tweet by Starship robot F13G78A2, who simply goes by Helen. After tweeting — and then deleting — a post on Thursday which read “Starship Lives Matter,” many have spoken out saying that the tweet was offensive and inappropriate.
THE BEET
Cardinal staffer furious that her op-eds haven’t fixed all societal issues, quits
By Anupras Mohapatra | Aug. 31, 2020Another tragic account involving a failed social justice warrior... Curse instant gratification and inflated egos!
THE BEET
Unsuspecting Tinder user stumbles upon King Henry VIII, long live the king!
By Bailey Hills | Apr. 29, 2020There's only one explanation for the swirly and blocky calligraphy infiltrating female millennials' Tinder messages... and it's that King Henry VIII is alive and well.
THE BEET
In the era of coronavirus nothing matters anymore, so why is it still so hard to win a stuffed animal from a claw machine?
By Jordan Simon | Apr. 27, 2020Eeny, meeny, miney, moe. Catch a stuffed tiger by the toe. If he hollers, or if he doesn't, let him go. Eeny, meeny, miney, moe.
THE BEET
Cardinalscopes: How you will contract coronavirus based on your sign
By Jordan Simon and Bailey Hills | Apr. 24, 2020Scientists have recently uncovered evidence showing that contracting COVID-19 is highly dependent on zodiac sign.
THE BEET
Mifflin was ‘murican AF this year
By Jordan Simon | Apr. 24, 2020Due to the global coronavirus pandemic, Dean of Students Lori Berquam wasn’t the only one saying “don’t go” to Mifflin this year. Governor Evers got in on the action by passing the "Safer at Home" order which prohibits public gatherings until May 26th. Of course, that didn’t stop the most ‘murican of Americans from descending on Madtown for the occasion.
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