The Beet
Word of effective COVID vaccine worries Wisconsinites
By Gillian Rawling | Nov. 19, 2020College students and Wisconsin residents alike were shocked at the news of a vaccine being so close to approval this week. Many have concerns about the vaccine containing a chip for brain control, which is hard to believe considering so few Americans use their brains to begin with.
Harbaugh says team has spent hours studying tape from Wisconsin game after bitter defeat
By Jordan Simon | Nov. 19, 2020Following Michigan’s excruciating loss to the Wisconsin Badgers over the weekend — and I mean, like, a really bad loss. Like, it was a super embarrassing loss. Like, are they the Michigan Wolverines or the Michigan Can’t Score-verines? — coach Jim Harbaugh has said he has his team closely reviewing the tape from their game against the Badgers.
Op-ed: How come UWPD didn’t display any of my definitely-not-racist gifts in their office?
By Jordan Simon | Nov. 19, 2020UWPD came under fire — again — after posting a photo which showed a “thin blue line” flag displayed in their office to their social media accounts over the weekend, a pro-law enforcement symbol that has frequently been used to denote opposition to the Black Lives Matter movement. UW Police Chief Kristen Roman released a statement about the photo saying — and this is a direct quote — that “while many people may interpret the ‘thin blue line’ imagery as racist, in this case it actually means something definitely not racist, like promoting weight loss among smurfs or some shit.”
Confused tourist racks up big hotel bill as he smashes all clocks in his room after clocks did not fall back as he expected
By Anupras Mohapatra | Nov. 12, 2020An unhinged tourist from a faraway land was found shaking violently in his hotel room, as broken glass was strewn all over the floor. There had been multiple murders — not of people, but of clocks. He sat there, looking ever so viciously at the damage he had done, slowly regaining his composure as hotel staff barged into his room, prepared for this moment by all the occasions they disregarded “Do Not Disturb” signs in their day-to-day work.
Racism disappears from Madison completely Saturday morning
By Gillian Rawling | Nov. 12, 2020Major news networks declared Joe Biden the winner of the 2020 presidential race this Saturday, and some residents are claiming it is the end of racism as we know it in Madison.
Chime
By Anupras Mohapatra | Nov. 12, 2020My bed lamp was my only companion, as I sat in anticipation
Trump Supporters call for statehood of Puerto Rico after losing electoral college
By Gillian Rawling | Nov. 5, 2020To everyone’s surprise, Joe seems to be doing extremely well — knock on wood. As the margin of victory grows wider and wider within the continental states, Trump is looking at another potential path to victory.
List: Instances where counting all the votes is a bad thing
By Jordan Simon | Nov. 5, 2020If you’re in charge of planning the office Christmas party
Trump campaign begins training litter of badgers to be faithless electors for Wisconsin
By Jordan Simon | Nov. 5, 2020Shortly after Joe Biden was projected to win the state of Wisconsin by several news outlets on Wednesday morning, the Trump campaign swiftly moved to their next plan of action in order to retain the presidency in 2020 and have thus begun training a liter of badgers to be faithless electors for Wisconsin.
Zodiac inspired Halloween costumes: Almanac Edition
By Gillian Rawling | Oct. 29, 2020Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
A guide to celebrating Halloween during a pandemic
By Jordan Simon | Oct. 29, 2020You can’t. It’s cancelled.
Recognizing odds stacked against them, Fighting Illini resort to biological warfare
By Nick Rawling | Oct. 22, 2020UW-Madison Football Team Rushing the Field to Avoid Contamination Using the Axe as Protection.
Blank confronts students seeking to bar coronaviruses from Gameday gatherings with statement on campus inclusion
By Jordan Simon | Oct. 22, 2020As campus gears up for the return of Badger Football on Saturday, Chancellor Becky Blank released a statement on the importance of campus inclusion — a message specifically aimed at students who wish to keep coronaviruses out of their tailgate parties.
UWPD says outrage misguided since thousands spent on crowd-control weapons actually way less than they wanted to spend
By Jordan Simon | Oct. 22, 2020This week, UWPD made public expense records that revealed the department spent thousands on various crowd control weapons, such as handguns and pepper spray canisters, amid racial justice protests this summer. Many condemned the department for using university funds on such weapons, however, UWPD says the criticism is unwarranted.
Girl who lives out of van to “find herself” is disappointed
By Gillian Rawling | Oct. 15, 2020The trailer home Kelly thought she was getting.
UWPD lashes out at ASM Chair with very high degree of confidence
By Jordan Simon | Oct. 15, 2020In a classic 2020 what-the-fuck plot twist, the University of Wisconsin Police Department attacked ASM Chair Matthew Mitnick on Twitter with a strikingly large amount of confidence — especially for a department which faces a crisis of public confidence.
In lieu of canceled presidential debate, Fox News to just air ninety minutes of Trump screaming at a Mr. Potato Head
By Jordan Simon | Oct. 15, 2020The Presidential Debate Commission has canceled the second debate, initially set to be held on Oct. 16, in order to curb the spread of the coronavirus after Trump yielded a positive test. A virtual debate was suggested to both the candidates, however, Trump declined because of some bullshit his team made up — I don’t even know.