College students and Wisconsin residents alike were shocked at the news of a vaccine being so close to approval this week. Many have concerns about the vaccine containing a chip for brain control, which is hard to believe considering so few Americans use their brains to begin with.
Following Michigan’s excruciating loss to the Wisconsin Badgers over the weekend — and I mean, like, a really bad loss. Like, it was a super embarrassing loss. Like, are they the Michigan Wolverines or the Michigan Can’t Score-verines? — coach Jim Harbaugh has said he has his team closely reviewing the tape from their game against the Badgers.
UWPD came under fire — again — after posting a photo which showed a “thin blue line” flag displayed in their office to their social media accounts over the weekend, a pro-law enforcement symbol that has frequently been used to denote opposition to the Black Lives Matter movement. UW Police Chief Kristen Roman released a statement about the photo saying — and this is a direct quote — that “while many people may interpret the ‘thin blue line’ imagery as racist, in this case it actually means something definitely not racist, like promoting weight loss among smurfs or some shit.”
An unhinged tourist from a faraway land was found shaking violently in his hotel room, as broken glass was strewn all over the floor. There had been multiple murders — not of people, but of clocks. He sat there, looking ever so viciously at the damage he had done, slowly regaining his composure as hotel staff barged into his room, prepared for this moment by all the occasions they disregarded “Do Not Disturb” signs in their day-to-day work.
Major news networks declared Joe Biden the winner of the 2020 presidential race this Saturday, and some residents are claiming it is the end of racism as we know it in Madison.
My bed lamp was my only companion, as I sat in anticipation
To everyone’s surprise, Joe seems to be doing extremely well — knock on wood. As the margin of victory grows wider and wider within the continental states, Trump is looking at another potential path to victory.
If you’re in charge of planning the office Christmas party
Shortly after Joe Biden was projected to win the state of Wisconsin by several news outlets on Wednesday morning, the Trump campaign swiftly moved to their next plan of action in order to retain the presidency in 2020 and have thus begun training a liter of badgers to be faithless electors for Wisconsin.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
You can’t. It’s cancelled.
UW-Madison Football Team Rushing the Field to Avoid Contamination Using the Axe as Protection.
As campus gears up for the return of Badger Football on Saturday, Chancellor Becky Blank released a statement on the importance of campus inclusion — a message specifically aimed at students who wish to keep coronaviruses out of their tailgate parties.
This week, UWPD made public expense records that revealed the department spent thousands on various crowd control weapons, such as handguns and pepper spray canisters, amid racial justice protests this summer. Many condemned the department for using university funds on such weapons, however, UWPD says the criticism is unwarranted.
The trailer home Kelly thought she was getting.
In a classic 2020 what-the-fuck plot twist, the University of Wisconsin Police Department attacked ASM Chair Matthew Mitnick on Twitter with a strikingly large amount of confidence — especially for a department which faces a crisis of public confidence.
The Presidential Debate Commission has canceled the second debate, initially set to be held on Oct. 16, in order to curb the spread of the coronavirus after Trump yielded a positive test. A virtual debate was suggested to both the candidates, however, Trump declined because of some bullshit his team made up — I don’t even know.
A wave of support for climate change legislation erupted from the streets of Madison last week in response to the string of wildfires on the West Coast.
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