THE BEET
Man trying to stop more children from being shot ‘A sick son of a bitch’
By Mackenzie Moore | 1:11pmWon’t someone think of the politicians?
The Beet
THE BEET
Lorne Michaels fires entire cast, will turn ‘Saturday Night Live’ into one man show
By Mackenzie Moore | May. 23“Live from New York — I’m Lorne Michaels, and you’re not.”
THE BEET
What you need to know about new UW-Madison chancellor-designee Jennifer Mnookin
By Mackenzie Moore | May. 18Hunka hunka.
THE BEET
New Glarus experiencing increase in real estate demand after out-of-state parents visit for graduation
By Mackenzie Moore | May. 16In the last two days, Zillow searches for homes in the New Glarus area have skyrocketed over 2,000%.
THE BEET
Graduating students must work on Camp Randall construction before receiving diploma
By Mackenzie Moore | May. 13Students will be allowed to decorate their shovels as long as they do not contain insulting language towards the University of Wisconsin -Madison or Chancellor Rebecca Blank.
THE BEET
NFTs are valuable now and I’m too dumb to understand it
By Jeffrey Brown | May. 12“These technological doodads are just too sophisticated for my itty bitty noggin.”
THE BEET
Texas bans left-handed athletes due to ‘unfair advantage’
By Jeffrey Brown | May. 11America’s youth are being indoctrinated, says Texas’ Governor Abbott.
THE BEET
Local mom considering sending a message by regifting candles back to children
By Mackenzie Moore | May. 10“There is more to my personality than a functioning nose and the belief that the good smells are better than the bad ones.”
THE BEET
Finals guide spring 2022
By Mackenzie Moore | May. 9So, you didn’t fill out your course evaluation survey — you’re safe here.
THE BEET
Pro-life politicians vote to bomb Middle Eastern orphanage
By Mackenzie Moore | May. 6When asked to explain his vote, Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) said, it's "next to impossible to make a Middle Eastern child grow up to be an oil lobbyist for the United States."
THE BEET
Local white boy checks into rehab for addiction to AAVE
By Jeffrey Brown | May. 5The flaw can likely be at least partially attributed to being a Ye fan.
THE BEET
New state street bar music restrictions stir up controversy
By Will Franken | May. 4Some patrons are angered by the lack of Fox News and Morgan Wallen playing in the establishment.
THE BEET
Mrs. Butterworth’s announces line of new syrup options
By Jeffrey Brown | May. 3The new lineup includes collaborations with Jack Daniels and Chips Ahoy.
THE BEET
Police horse checked into rehab after working Mifflin
By Mackenzie Moore | May. 2The officer was intoxicated after accidentally drinking from puddles of poured out liquor.
THE BEET
Daily Cardinal daddy issues poll 2022
By Mackenzie Moore | Apr. 29“I don’t know of a single journalist that’s well adjusted.”
THE BEET
Actually news: The Almanac is now officially 'The Beet'
By Mackenzie Moore | Apr. 28The founders of The Onion, who are Cardinal alumni, are allowed to beat me up.
THE BEET
The Democrats have negotiated away the gays
By Jeffrey Brown | Apr. 27The move has been lauded by political leaders as a win for both sides.
THE BEET
Elon Musk buys Twitter, complains about Dollar Tree price hike
By Mackenzie Moore | Apr. 26The soaring price of Milk Duds left Musk’s “boner killed” and his night ruined.
THE BEET
Mortician finds dead bodies 'absolutely repulsive'
By Will Franken | Apr. 25The Janesville mortician is motivated by how disgusting corpses are before being prepared.
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