If you’re like me right now, you’re spending your days in your twin-size childhood bed after a pair of unexpected positive COVID-19 tests. Yeah, you were safer than normal — read: stopped going to frat parties and bars — the last week you were in Madison, and you tested negative twice before coming back, but that goddamn baby that was bawling its eyes out from Chicago to Newark probably gave it to you. Stop crying and put a mask on you little shit.
College students and Wisconsin residents alike were shocked at the news of a vaccine being so close to approval this week. Many have concerns about the vaccine containing a chip for brain control, which is hard to believe considering so few Americans use their brains to begin with.
Following Michigan’s excruciating loss to the Wisconsin Badgers over the weekend — and I mean, like, a really bad loss. Like, it was a super embarrassing loss. Like, are they the Michigan Wolverines or the Michigan Can’t Score-verines? — coach Jim Harbaugh has said he has his team closely reviewing the tape from their game against the Badgers.
UWPD came under fire — again — after posting a photo which showed a “thin blue line” flag displayed in their office to their social media accounts over the weekend, a pro-law enforcement symbol that has frequently been used to denote opposition to the Black Lives Matter movement. UW Police Chief Kristen Roman released a statement about the photo saying — and this is a direct quote — that “while many people may interpret the ‘thin blue line’ imagery as racist, in this case it actually means something definitely not racist, like promoting weight loss among smurfs or some shit.”
Confused tourist racks up big hotel bill as he smashes all clocks in his room after clocks did not fall back as he expectedBy Anupras Mohapatra | Nov. 12, 2020
An unhinged tourist from a faraway land was found shaking violently in his hotel room, as broken glass was strewn all over the floor. There had been multiple murders — not of people, but of clocks. He sat there, looking ever so viciously at the damage he had done, slowly regaining his composure as hotel staff barged into his room, prepared for this moment by all the occasions they disregarded “Do Not Disturb” signs in their day-to-day work.
Major news networks declared Joe Biden the winner of the 2020 presidential race this Saturday, and some residents are claiming it is the end of racism as we know it in Madison.
To everyone’s surprise, Joe seems to be doing extremely well — knock on wood. As the margin of victory grows wider and wider within the continental states, Trump is looking at another potential path to victory.
If you’re in charge of planning the office Christmas party
Shortly after Joe Biden was projected to win the state of Wisconsin by several news outlets on Wednesday morning, the Trump campaign swiftly moved to their next plan of action in order to retain the presidency in 2020 and have thus begun training a liter of badgers to be faithless electors for Wisconsin.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
You can’t. It’s cancelled.
UW-Madison Football Team Rushing the Field to Avoid Contamination Using the Axe as Protection.
Blank confronts students seeking to bar coronaviruses from Gameday gatherings with statement on campus inclusionBy Jordan Simon | Oct. 22, 2020
As campus gears up for the return of Badger Football on Saturday, Chancellor Becky Blank released a statement on the importance of campus inclusion — a message specifically aimed at students who wish to keep coronaviruses out of their tailgate parties.
UWPD says outrage misguided since thousands spent on crowd-control weapons actually way less than they wanted to spendBy Jordan Simon | Oct. 22, 2020
This week, UWPD made public expense records that revealed the department spent thousands on various crowd control weapons, such as handguns and pepper spray canisters, amid racial justice protests this summer. Many condemned the department for using university funds on such weapons, however, UWPD says the criticism is unwarranted.
The trailer home Kelly thought she was getting.