For some, this weekend means roses, chocolate, dropping loads of money on dinners, and best of all: gifted squishmallows. Couples will be swept away by the spirit and whimsy of the holiday and enjoy themselves on intimate dates, relishing the one-on-one time that only COVID-19 can provide.
The Wisconsin Senate voted Tuesday to repeal the statewide mask mandate. If this mask mandate is abolished, Wisconsin will be joining a list of other memorable states without federal mask mandates. Gracing this list are Alabama, Oklahoma, Missouri and Nebraska, all states people spend their lives dreaming of visiting.
Any football fan who’s been paying attention the last 20 years knew exactly how this was going to go, even if they wouldn’t let themselves admit it.
Greek row was shaken from the Gamestop debacle
Coca Cola w/ Coffee - The product in question
Punxsutawney Phil sans mask
Joe Biden kicks back with constituents before grabbing his keys to go home.
MAGA rioters are blocked at the doors of Kappa Epsilon Gamma by both Chad and Brad after not making the list
In great Ancient Greece there lived a rabble rouser
In a bittersweet turn of events, the hot, popular girl you hated in high school has developed late onset acne which, contrary to all three of Newton’s laws of physics, somehow further accentuates her flawless jawline.
It has been a disappointing past two weeks for Badger fans, to say the least. Some have been able to chalk it up to bad luck and a couple of questionable plays, but medical experts speculate that it could be much more consequential.
After his reign of terror at The Daily Cardinal’s Almanac desk, editor Jordan Simon announced that he will be leaving his position in order to begin the next chapter in his life. Simon has announced his plans to embark on an intergalactic space mission where he will search for extraterrestrial life that actually likes his writing. The launch date is not confirmed but will reportedly occur as soon as Simon finds a gas station that sells space diesel.
If you’re like me right now, you’re spending your days in your twin-size childhood bed after a pair of unexpected positive COVID-19 tests. Yeah, you were safer than normal — read: stopped going to frat parties and bars — the last week you were in Madison, and you tested negative twice before coming back, but that goddamn baby that was bawling its eyes out from Chicago to Newark probably gave it to you. Stop crying and put a mask on you little shit.
College students and Wisconsin residents alike were shocked at the news of a vaccine being so close to approval this week. Many have concerns about the vaccine containing a chip for brain control, which is hard to believe considering so few Americans use their brains to begin with.
Following Michigan’s excruciating loss to the Wisconsin Badgers over the weekend — and I mean, like, a really bad loss. Like, it was a super embarrassing loss. Like, are they the Michigan Wolverines or the Michigan Can’t Score-verines? — coach Jim Harbaugh has said he has his team closely reviewing the tape from their game against the Badgers.
UWPD came under fire — again — after posting a photo which showed a “thin blue line” flag displayed in their office to their social media accounts over the weekend, a pro-law enforcement symbol that has frequently been used to denote opposition to the Black Lives Matter movement. UW Police Chief Kristen Roman released a statement about the photo saying — and this is a direct quote — that “while many people may interpret the ‘thin blue line’ imagery as racist, in this case it actually means something definitely not racist, like promoting weight loss among smurfs or some shit.”
An unhinged tourist from a faraway land was found shaking violently in his hotel room, as broken glass was strewn all over the floor. There had been multiple murders — not of people, but of clocks. He sat there, looking ever so viciously at the damage he had done, slowly regaining his composure as hotel staff barged into his room, prepared for this moment by all the occasions they disregarded “Do Not Disturb” signs in their day-to-day work.
Major news networks declared Joe Biden the winner of the 2020 presidential race this Saturday, and some residents are claiming it is the end of racism as we know it in Madison.
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