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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Monday, April 19, 2021

Almanac

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ALMANAC

Fuck that Groundhog

There’s one thing Wisconsinites are feeling this week, and that’s hatred for Punxsutawney Phil. The infamous groundhog predicted 6 more weeks of winter, and with subzero temperatures rolling in this week, it is clear that the groundhog had insider knowledge. 


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ALMANAC

Wisconsin Senate decides they are over COVID-19

The Wisconsin Senate voted Tuesday to repeal the statewide mask mandate. If this mask mandate is abolished, Wisconsin will be joining a list of other memorable states without federal mask mandates. Gracing this list are Alabama, Oklahoma, Missouri and Nebraska, all states people spend their lives dreaming of visiting.


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ALMANAC

Almanac editor leaves position, embarks on intergalactic expedition in search of new species that like his writing

After his reign of terror at The Daily Cardinal’s Almanac desk, editor Jordan Simon announced that he will be leaving his position in order to begin the next chapter in his life. Simon has announced his plans to embark on an intergalactic space mission where he will search for extraterrestrial life that actually likes his writing. The launch date is not confirmed but will reportedly occur as soon as Simon finds a gas station that sells space diesel.


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ALMANAC

How to deal with having COVID-19 at home

If you’re like me right now, you’re spending your days in your twin-size childhood bed after a pair of unexpected positive COVID-19 tests. Yeah, you were safer than normal — read: stopped going to frat parties and bars — the last week you were in Madison, and you tested negative twice before coming back, but that goddamn baby that was bawling its eyes out from Chicago to Newark probably gave it to you. Stop crying and put a mask on you little shit.



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