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Saturday, June 19, 2021

Almanac


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Booking photo of Derek Chauvin.
ALMANAC

Derek Chauvin picking out paint swatches for prison cell

It was a chilling scene on Tuesday as former Minneapolis Police Officer Derek Chauvin was found guilty on all three counts. While much of the country either takes a sigh of relief or starts sending their family members conspiracy theories via Facebook Messenger, Chauvin appears to be taking it in stride as he prepares for his new prison cell.


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ALMANAC

Distressed student found hiding in Hamm’s fort

Finals are coming up at UW-Madison, which means that students are looking for ways to cope. For some, this means hitting the books early to prevent the need to pull all-nighters. For others, this means trying out meditation and going for walks on the Lakeshore Path to unwind. For at least one student, the solution is clear: hide.


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ALMANAC

UW-Madison students projected to fail in-person classes next fall

The unprecedented shift towards remote leaning during the past year has called many academic practices into question. When considering the rigor of collegiate level education during previous years, the fact that a student is now able to take a shit while in discussion should serve as an indicator that educational standards have somewhat devolved. Now that the reality of in person classes is quickly approaching, experts are greatly concerned for the future academic output of the UW-Madison student body. 


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ALMANAC

Mondays bartender fired for agreeing to make drink less strong

In college, most students go out with one goal in mind: to get drunk as quickly and cheaply as possible. At UW-Madison, Mondays has long been the go-to dive bar to achieve this. Last Friday night, however, this sacred bond was broken when a bartender agreed to only pour one shot of liquor into a vodka cranberry. The employee was later fired once the customer finished their drink and was still found to be able to have a coherent conversation. 


Photo of President Biden's dog, Major.
ALMANAC

Major Biden cracks under pressure

President Biden’s German shepherd puppy, Major has been making national news headlines all around America for his involvement in two newsworthy biting incidents. While Major has been put on blast for these aggressive acts, no one knows or can possibly understand what the dog has been through. 


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ALMANAC

UW-Madison sees annual spike in 'post weekend denial'

As the weather becomes more pleasant and COVID-19 vaccinations continue to rollout, a surge in weekend festivities can be seen throughout Madison, Wisconsin. Naturally, these festivities include heavy substance abuse in true Wisconsin-fashion. This annual springtime trend can be seen in places such as the “Mifflin Slums,” where the melting snow is steadily replaced with debris from white plastic tables and crushed Natty Ice cans. 


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ALMANAC

Memorial union to give students free MREs

The Memorial Union announced today that students with a green Badger Badge will now be able to receive a free Meals, Ready-to-Eat. While meals are factory made and are not being distributed until the week of April 25, orders must be placed within the next week so that the packages can be sorted into boxes “when the vibe feels right” for the Union employees. 


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ALMANAC

The Boston Bomber Has a Bad Day

Hey Almanac readers! We hope you enjoyed the special edition of our beloved column this week. The Almanac editors would like to opportunity to share some really exciting news: this section now has a podcast! (not at all related to our article published from a few weeks back about another mediocre white guy starting one) We’d love if you’d take a minute to sit back and enjoy 4 of UW-Madisons dullest students talk about random shit.


ALMANAC

Twenty-four hour spring break? Hell yeah!

Stress is in the air. Midterms after midterms are slamming students while they labor through their spring semesters online. Luckily, UW-Madison sensed this stress, and they are generous enough to give us a Friday AND two Saturday’s off of school! When asked about this altruistic decision, the Chancellor told us: “we just knew that a Saturday off would be super relieving for a lot of students — and we’re really really concerned about their mental health right now.”


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ALMANAC

Joe Biden says he won’t intervene in Tomato Town

It’s been two years since content creator Leviathan uploaded the iconic “Chug Jug With You” to SoundCloud. The song instantly became a top hit on TikTok and is today considered one of the most influential pop songs of the 21st century. But even more importantly, the song sparked an antiviolence movement with its reference to the ongoing atrocities in Tomato Town and its lyrics encouraging love and peace, like “I really love to chug with you” and “La la la la la ee a.”


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ALMANAC

Warner Bros announces sexy cut of Space Jam 2

After intense internet backlash following director Malcolm Lee’s decision to desexualize the image of Lola Bunny in the upcoming remake of the classic 1996 film “Space Jam”, Warner Bros has announced that a triple-X cut of the movie will be released later this year. 


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ALMANAC

Sesh with Becky?

Legal weed? What a game changer. Gov. Tony Evers has released a budget plan that proposes legalizing medicinal and recreational marijuana in Wisconsin. The UW-Madison administration has decided to wholeheartedly endorse this change when it comes. 

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