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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Thursday, October 08, 2026

Coach Fickell promises to keep doing whatever the hell it was that won them the Penn State game

Was the win mostly luck, or all luck?

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

In a dramatic upset, the Wisconsin Badgers Football team defeated the No. 13 Penn State what’s-their-names 24-20 Sep. 26. Since predictions for this game had Wisconsin on the opposite end of this curbstomping, many fans are eager to know the secret to the team’s success. 

Was it playcalling, positional mismatches, mental toughness, pregame rituals? Or was it a lack thereof? Well, fans can rest assured, because Wisconsin Head Coach Luke Fickell is reportedly stumped, too.

Leading up to the game, many irregularities took place for Coach Fickell and the team (like two consecutive victories), but which one led them to victory against the Lady Lions? For starters, the broadcast team noticed a few on-the-field changes from Wisconsin’s usual gameplan. 

Both Fickell and Offensive Coordinator Jeff Grimes appeared to be holding their playbooks upside-down the whole game. When asked about this after the game, Fickell seemed incredibly confused, turned his playbook right-side up, then told The Beet, “Whoa, this is crazy!” 

The team also revamped their warmup routine, with notable additions including doing pull-ups on the field goal post, wearing leather helmets and performing the famous “Everywhere We Go” routine from the movie “Remember The Titans”.

Despite these on-field changes, Fickell believes the impactful change may have occurred before anyone had even arrived at the stadium. 

“Multiple anomalies occurred in my morning routine that day,” Fickell told The Beet. “First, a Badger fan approached me on the street and actually gave me words of encouragement as opposed to the usual angry ridicule. Next, I finally was able to win a Madden game on rookie mode, and to top it off, my spam inbox got an email saying I won fifty grand. I gave them my bank login and social security number, so I should have the money in a few days.”

In order to make sure that the difference-making change is not left behind in Happy Valley, the Badgers will be recreating the conditions of Saturday's game for the rest of the season. In addition to everything previously mentioned (including the sharing of Fickell’s bank information), Wisconsin will require every game to be a white-out, Wisconsin will be the away team each week even when playing at Camp Randall and the 50-yard line logo will be changed to Penn State’s. 

The players are also eager to continue their own superstitions. Since Tight End Jacob Harris’ shoe was ripped off during his game-winning touchdown, the team has decided they will all play with one shoe until they either lose a game or lose 10 players to foot-related injuries. 

Both of these will presumably happen in their next game.

Will these rituals turn a new leaf for Wisconsin Football, or will the team revert to their mediocre ways of years past? We at The Beet aren’t quite sure, but we do know either way, Fickell will probably receive a six-year extension completely paid for by tuition revenue.

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