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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, June 25, 2024

‘Everything deserves a place in the marketplace of ideas,’ said self-described moderate food critic before eating entire bowl of cat piss, shit

“I want to clarify that I did not enjoy eating this bowl of cat feces, but I did eat it in its entirety because that is the respectful thing to do,” the critic concluded.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

“While I disagree with the chef on many of their opinions about food, I believe in their right to serve what they like,” a local food critic told The Beet. “And I am strong enough in my own beliefs about what makes food good that giving theirs a chance won’t shake me.”

The critic then took a big slurp of cat urine.

“This is utterly disgusting filth, but I believe it should be served and consumed with respect to the creator,” they added.

When asked to explain why they believed cat excrement should be served, the chef said they didn’t.

“I don’t necessarily believe in eating cat poop,” the chef stated. “But, I believe I should have the right to serve it and that people who don’t want to eat it should be forced to try it. If they don’t like it, they can feel free to offer an alternative.”

Local activists are asking why people are letting this chef serve cat feces and urine.

“This is ridiculous, right?” the activists asked. “Why the fuck is this restaurant allowing their chef to serve cat shit? Every other restaurant serves bread and you know… real food. What the fuck is wrong with people? Isn’t there some sort of government organization that can step in and say restaurants shouldn’t be serving cat shit?”

To this, the chef said it shouldn’t be up to the government to tell people what to eat and not eat, adding that it is instead up to the individual to do their own research and come to their own conclusions regarding the consumption of cat piss and shit. They added that they are disappointed in the hostility of the activists as well as their lack of graceful debate in the marketplace of ideas and their failure to suggest a legitimate alternative.

“While I agree with the concerns of the activists,” added the food critic, “do they not see how radical their beliefs are? Giving the government or any other organization power to say what people can and can’t eat is a one way road to authoritarianism.”

They then let out a massive, stinky burp before thanking the chef for the massive pile of cat shit.

“I want to clarify that I did not enjoy eating this bowl of cat feces, but I did eat it in its entirety because that is the respectful thing to do,” the critic concluded.

The chef could be heard laughing hysterically from the kitchen.

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Jeffrey Brown

Jeffrey Brown is a former Arts Editor for the Daily Cardinal. He writes for The Beet occasionally and does some drawing and photography too. He is a senior majoring in Sociology. Do not feed him after midnight.



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