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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, November 29, 2022
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Mushroom trip inspires man to go into accounting

“The soil … it provides nutrients to the trees. The trees grow apples … during the trip I thought the red M&M and his family were stuck, but anyway —”

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Hallucinogens have been used as a vessel for creativity and life-altering realizations for centuries. From realizing the meaning of life to writing “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band,” drugs like mushrooms and LSD have a reputation for causing people to reflect and take risks.

Well, Greg Lemus did that, I guess. 

Greg, a recent college graduate with a computer science degree living in Verona, felt that he had no career options. Hoping to find inspiration, the 23-year-old reached out to his friendly local drug deal for half an ounce of psychedelic mushrooms.

“I was just working odd jobs and had a couple days off, so I thought, ‘what the heck,’” said Lemus. “As soon as I got home, I plopped down on the couch and hunkered down.”

At first, Lemus recalls, the experience was underwhelming. An hour later, he found himself lying naked in a pasture next to some grazing cows. 

“So I’m lying there, no layer of separation between my nads and this 2,400 pound mega beefer, and it was like I was part of the Earth. The grass. The animals. The slop. All of it,” said Lemus, moved.

Throughout the trip, which lasted the rest of the evening, the relatively straight-laced young adult recalled noticing how the environment’s different factors impacted one another.

“The soil … it provides nutrients to the trees. The trees grow apples — during the trip I thought the red M&M and his family were stuck, but anyway … those apples can feed the animals. Then the animals feed me,” explained Lemus.

To clarify, by “the animals feed me,” it’s fair to assume that he means he eats the meat after they’re butchered. There aren’t pigs feeding him Chef Boyardee or anything.

“Accounting is a lot like the planet, really. They crunch the numbers to keep people and businesses organized and steady. It’s just like the businesses are bright, colorful flowers and accountants are the humble bumble bees who provide nectar to help them grow,” said a satisfied Lemus.

Not having an accounting degree, Lemus has already applied to return to the University of Wisconsin-Madison. While the future senior accountant knows far more about programming software than bookkeeping, he says he doesn’t mind the long hours that getting his dream job will entail.

“When you live in a career desert like Verona, you have to create a path for yourself. I just can’t be clear enough about how grateful I am for drugs now,” concluded a self-assured Lemus. 

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