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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Sunday, June 23, 2024

Local mom distraught after reading favorite salad dressing laced with fentanyl

The fear mongering post has already received over 4,000 shares.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Illicitly manufactured fentanyl is often used to cut drugs such as heroin and cocaine because of its low price and addictive quality. While drugs laced with the opioid are a significant factor in the drug epidemic, it is not something people need to be worried about when doing something as basic as picking up a new bottle of salad dressing from the grocery store.

That is unless you ask Theresa Mills, a Fond du Lac native, 52-year-old mother of three and avid Facebook user.

“I was scrolling through Facebook during my lunch break yesterday and saw that the mother of one of my son’s friends shared a post with a picture of my favorite Italian vinaigrette. It caught my attention that there was the need for a ‘see more’ button in a status about dressing, and thank God it did,” said Mills.

The post originated from a Facebook page that primarily posts two things. One, memes making fun of Monica Lewinsky (still). Two, incorrectly formatted memes about how people were cooler back when parents didn’t care as much about whether or not their kid broke a bone or contracted a parasite. 

It has already received over 4,000 shares. 

Mills, who used the dressing to make a really wet, crunchy salad nearly every day, has taken steps in case she begins to show symptoms of fentanyl ingestion. 

“I called in sick to work today. I just can’t risk it. What kind of dentist office receptionist would I be if I was zonked out all day? I wouldn’t let that person schedule my root canal,” said an in-shock Mills. 

Though the Italian vinaigrette in question was actually made in Illinois, Mills has also developed a slight hesitance (read: racist tendencies) towards Italians because she’s “just concerned that the mob might be involved somehow.”

While Mills’ family is concerned about her current mental state, the situation is expected to fix itself as soon as she sees a post about bed sheets causing kidney stones or something.

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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.

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