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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, November 29, 2022
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Kari Lake blames slow vote count on old looking babies

The Arizona gubernatorial candidate claims poll workers are letting some babies vote, mistaking them for the elderly.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

One of the biggest stories from the 2022 midterms is the Arizona gubernatorial race. Five days after election day, only 93% of the vote has been counted. As of 1 p.m. on Nov. 14, Kari Lake is trailing Democratic opponent Katie Hobbs by roughly one point. 

Some would attribute the slow results and Hobbs’ lead to hundreds of thousands of mail-in ballots being dropped off at polling locations on Election Day and a strong showing for Democrat and incumbent Arizona Senator Mark Kelly. Unfortunately for the candidate’s frontal lobe, Kari Lake isn’t buying it. 

Instead, the former news anchor is taking her turn in the blame game by playing a wild card — blaming babies that look like old people.

“You see these grown adults walking to their polling place with a baby on their shoulders knowing full-well that their child looks like Mel Brooks. That opens up a whole other can of worms, but I’ll let my peers — Ye and Mr. Irving — handle that,” said Lake, pointing a warning finger gun at the journalists in the audience.

Lake alleges that poll workers are allowing babies to vote.

“At that point, these unqualified workers are just assuming these slobber blobs are eligible to vote! They shuffle them through the process assuming that they’re just flustered because their children don’t take them out of the home that often,” explained a frustrated Lake. 

The Illinois native also believes that the babies are responsible for Hobbs’ lead.

“When you think about babies, you think of two colors — pink and blue. Soft colors. Delicate. The Republican party is red — bold. These babies only know soft, so they vote blue,” said Lake, clearly in one of her good moods. 

Lake’s campaign is reportedly ready to seek legal action despite the fact that a winner is yet to be declared. When asked exactly what action will be taken and against who, the campaign said they are still brainstorming which claim would be most politically beneficial to pursue. 

With the future of Arizona’s gubernatorial seat uncertain, those affiliated with the election are asked to stay away from both old looking babies and old people who look like those babies. Instead, these groups will be paired together and sent to a commune of sorts until Lake finds a new group to blame for her lack of popularity. 

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