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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, November 29, 2022
Drake White-Bergey Democratic Party Rally Governor Tony Evers.JPG
Governor Tony Evers greeting crowd members after former U.S. President Barack Obama finished speaking.

Evers wins reelection after giving underage students alcohol, fun drugs

Critics argue that Evers alienated voters who don’t unwind by sipping on a Smirnoff and boofing cocaine.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

The Wisconsin governor’s race concluded early Wednesday morning when Tim Michels conceded to incumbent Gov. Tony Evers. Leading Michels by roughly 90,000 votes, Evers seems to have even more support than in his first victory against Scott Walker in 2018.

Evers's victory is due in part to a surge in college voters. However, it’s not because of anything involving Evers’ policies as previously thought. Instead, college students around the state adhered to one simple principle — when you’re underage and someone buys you illegal substances, that person is automatically a-okay.

The Beet has discovered that each time Evers visited a college campus, he would hook underage students up with alcohol and fun drugs. This confirms the fear some Republican parents have about the poor influence Democratic leaders have on the youth. Denice Stilton, whose son is a sophomore at the University of Wisconsin-Whitewater, is one such parent.

“Once I was cleaning Adam’s room during a visit and found speed and Tito’s in his closet,” Stilton said. “After he let me know that his roommate must’ve hidden them there, I heard it all. It’s just lunacy what Evers is giving these kids. We’re talking coke. We’re talking poppers. We’re talking marijuana,” said Stilton as she counted each drug on her finger, speaking in a progressively more hushed tone.

Though Evers typically gives a speech about what he would do with a second term during his campaign visits, this has turned out to be a front. While much of the police focus and general attention is on him, campaign workers are giving underage students alcohol and drugs to ensure that they know Evers is a cool guy.

Visiting the University of Wisconsin-La Crosse on the Friday night leading up to Election Day, many students seemed to have just decided to vote for Evers within the last hour. Nineteen-year-old Strausse shared an anecdote about his experience with the governor.

“Before Tony stopped by, we were in a pretty tough spot, man. We lost our fakes in a bar raid and couldn’t get new ones in time for the next weekend. Then this guy stops by, gives us enough alcohol and uppers to last through three Green Bay Super Bowls and dips without anything but a handshake after the speech,” said Strausse through red eyes. 

Though University of Wisconsin-Madison students appear to have no problem getting their hands on illegal substances, there’s still one significant benefit to Evers’ tokens of goodwill — money.

“Do you guys realize how expensive good weed can get? Even if you get a good deal from your plug, you’ve gotta keep in mind that maybe they’re having a bit of trouble making ends meet — it’s important to support local farmers. Evers just up and went and bought out my dealer, then gave it all to me and my friends. Now I can afford to eat breakfast,” said 16-credit student Abbie Bostick.

Critics argue that Evers alienated the voters who don’t unwind by sipping on a Smirnoff and boofing cocaine. Still, there’s one thing that can’t be denied. If given the option, there are very few Michels voters who wouldn’t take the opportunity to get blitzed on the governor’s dime right about now. 

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