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Tuesday, November 29, 2022
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Comedic actor Matt Walsh confused, anguished to hear he caused controversy on UW-Madison campus

The “Veep” actor and Emmy nominee is desperately trying to amend his wrongs — all while figuring out what his wrongs were in the first place.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Far-right political commentator Matt Walsh visited campus on Oct. 24 for a screening of his new documentary, “What is a Woman?” This caused uproar on campus among the transgender community and its allies, prompting protests.

Unfortunately for comedic actor Matt Walsh, he did not get the memo. As of now, the “Veep” cast member is under the impression he did something horribly wrong that would specifically infuriate a bunch of college students in Wisconsin.

According to concerned friends and family, the “Bad Santa” actor has been distraught since he got the news. 

“He’s just not acting like himself. He’s been drinking a lot since he heard last week, but I don’t think he’s even using it to numb his feelings over the whole thing — he just thinks it will make the students like him more if he binge drinks every day,” said one anonymous source. 

The actor is also reportedly spending most of his time sitting naked in a cold tub of water outside of his home while eating bricks of cheddar cheese like Snickers bars. Witnesses say he isn’t always crying while doing so, but there’s enough sobbing to indicate the gesture isn’t a joke.

In a move that speaks to how little Walsh knows about the University of Wisconsin-Madison, he reached out to The Beet via burner phone for more information.

“I- I don’t know. Is it because I’m from Illinois? Are they worried that I’m going to come up to their state and drive badly? I think that’s the stereotype,” said Walsh.

However, that explanation wouldn’t explain why he was specifically targeted. After all, he’s from Chicago, and an unscientific study conducted by UW-Madison students every day indicates 63% of the campus identifies themselves as being from a suburb of Chicago. 

“Is it the red hair? Dammit, I knew this would happen. Once Conan hit it medium on Late Night, I was told there would only be room for one redheaded man in Hollywood. I feel so foolish,” said an anguished Walsh.

This also didn’t provide answers, as Midwesterners can never get enough of funny guys with low self esteem

Walsh’s burner phone ran out of minutes just before he could be calmed down and it could be explained to him that he is not the same Matt Walsh surrounding the contention. In light of this, campus residents can expect to receive a check in the mail from the poor guy within the next week or so.

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