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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Thursday, December 01, 2022
Wisconsin head football coach Paul Chryst talked about the start of Big Ten conference play at a press conference Monday.

Wisconsin head football coach Paul Chryst talked about the start of Big Ten conference play at a press conference Monday.

BREAKING: Paul Chryst fired over microwaving tuna sandwich in break room again

“He gave us no other option.”

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Reports are out that Paul Chryst has been fired from his position as head coach of the Wisconsin Badgers football team. While rumors are rampant regarding the reason for his release, The Beet is here with the facts.

“We had no issues with the back to back blowout losses,” Athletic Director Chris McIntosh told The Beet. “As awful as those were, Paul was always our guy on the field. On the other hand, he gave us no other option after we told him that the next time he stank up the break room with his tuna sandwiches, it would be his last day here.”

Our sources corroborate that Chryst was on some sort of hot tuna diet that had long been causing the smell of fish to seep into much more of Camp Randall than just the break room.

The team couldn’t help but weigh in.

“Showing up to review video the day after an embarrassing loss is bad enough without having to endure the stench,” said quarterback Graham Mertz.

“I could barely focus during team meetings with how awful the fish smell was,” added linebacker Nick Herbig. “You just had to wonder when the last straw was going to be.”

“The entire building reeked so bad I swear I was going to quit football entirely,” said running back Braelon Allen. “Literally 15 more minutes in that god awful excuse for air and I was going to drop football to focus on becoming a dentist.”

With two weeks of away games coming up, the Badgers will hopefully be able to air out the bowels of Camp Randall Stadium and be ready to play Purdue at home on Oct. 22.

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Jeffrey Brown

Jeffrey Brown is an Arts Editor for the Daily Cardinal and also writes for the Beet occasionally. He is a senior majoring in Sociology with a certificate in African-American Studies.

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