Skip to Content, Navigation, or Footer.
The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Sunday, September 24, 2023

Wisconsin Badger fans still have hope despite being embarrassed by Ohio State

Wisconsin Badger fans still have Big Ten championship hopes despite Ohio State Buckeyes literally f—ing destroying Wisconsin.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Last weekend, the Wisconsin Badgers traveled to a state that doesn’t even exist — Ohio. No man has come back to live and tell the tale of what the f— is going on in Ohio, but our brave Badgers fearlessly took the charge against an ancient evil, The Ohio State Buckeyes.

Our saviors: A quarterback blind in both eyes with a mullet, Graham Mertz (bruh), and behind him is 16-year-old middle schooler Brealon Allen, who just finished puberty, but could run through a truck if he wanted to. 

Our brave boys took on the horrors beyond our borders that is the Ohio State defense and came up quite short. So short that we got to see Kyle McCord, Ohio State’s backup quarterback, play.

It was so bad we even lost some soldiers to the blood gods. They require sacrifice if we want to get turnovers, unfortunately. The blood gods snapped Clay Cundiff's leg in half and took away the rest of the season from him. Sadly will not be able to jump around anymore this season. 

But hey, that’s okay. Pauls Chryst’s plan for the rest of the season is a surefire way for us to get back to the Big Ten Championship.  

His game plan of running the ball five times in a row with Allen for a first down, only for Mertz to throw an interception is a masterclass in offensive genius.

Chryst is sure to lead us to victory this season and return the Paul Bunyan Axe back to Madison after we get demolished by the Minnesota offense. 

Nick Herbig and Keanu Benton can do their best, but when they get doubled every play by every offense in the Big Ten, we are in for a wild surprise when opponents run up the scoreboard and proceed to mock us by playing Jump Around. 

But it’s okay. We have hope, and that's all any Badger fan needs to Jump Around, drink alcohol and be sad when we eventually lose because that is the Wisconsin way. 


Enjoy what you're reading? Get content from The Daily Cardinal delivered to your inbox
Support your local paper
Donate Today
The Daily Cardinal has been covering the University and Madison community since 1892. Please consider giving today.

Powered by SNworks Solutions by The State News
All Content © 2023 The Daily Cardinal