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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, April 12, 2024
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Stolen Memorial Union Terrace chair snitch to be banned from all neighborhood barbecues, sources of joy

The now-ostracized neighbor was known to bring extra wet coleslaw in a poorly-sealed Ziploc sandwich bag to each neighborhood gathering.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

There are just four types of people that should not be tolerated in the University of Wisconsin-Madison community — racists, homophobes, misogynists and those who snitch on people for stealing chairs from Memorial Union Terrace. 

Unfortunately, one such curmudgeon exists just nine miles off of campus in Verona. It can only be said with complete certainty that this empty black hole of a human snitched on someone for stealing one of the iconic Memorial Union Terrace chairs in 1978. However, it’s also safe to assume that the individual hates women and all people of color. 

While the identity of the snitch is unknown, The Daily Cardinal received an anonymous tip stating that the person in question has been banned from all neighborhood barbecues effective immediately. 

According to the same anonymous source, the now-ostracized neighbor was known to bring extra wet coleslaw in a poorly-sealed Ziploc sandwich bag to each neighborhood gathering. Worse yet, if someone dared to try it, the snitch would insist on scooping it by hand directly into the mouth of the morbidly curious. This sick, sick person would then suck the watery mayonnaise residue off of their fingers with glee.

It seems that tipping the police off about a chair stolen 44 years ago was simply the nail in the coffin. However, this ban isn’t the end of the punishment. Rather, the community has banded together to ensure that Hitler’s lamest grandchild never feels joy again.

The task is a big one, as the subject’s lack of popularity means that nobody is really sure what such a person does for fun. However, the basics have been covered. For one, sweet old ladies are advised not to sit on wooden benches and feed birds little pieces of bread, as the snitch gets a kick out of punching the elderly. 

It’s reported that the bootlicker also loves to boot up a karaoke machine and intentionally sing just off key enough to be the verbal equivalent of rubbing one’s own brain on a cheese grater. To combat this, a poorly regulated militia has been formed to monitor the perpetrator’s home and blindly shoot like hellfire if any loud music is heard. 

Just about anyone would steal a chair from Memorial Union Terrace if given a mask and a thirty minute head start. It’s truly disturbing that someone walking among us has the blue, shriveled balls to get a fellow Badger in trouble with the law for living the dream. 

As we move forward, let us remember that it’s a lot easier to hide a treasure from the old trouts if it’s kept at the bar in your basement rather than next to the cornhole set in your garage. 

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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.

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