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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, April 12, 2024
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Re-naming the animals at Henry Vilas Zoo: Bornean orangutan

Orangutans look like hairy, chubby, balding middle-aged men who sit on recliners wearing nothing but tighty whities all day.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

A couple weeks ago, my street was blocked off for the University of Wisconsin-Madison graduation ceremony. Bored and with hours to spare, I did what any logical person would — I decided to walk to the zoo. 

Once there, I paid really close attention to each of the animals. Not just because I liked them, but because I didn’t want the parents there with their children on a hot summer Saturday to get the wrong idea about why I, a childless 20-year-old, would go to the zoo alone. 

Through this, I realized that each of the animals have their own distinct personalities. In recognition, I have decided to re-name each of them. It should be noted that I have no idea what gender any of the animals are — this is purely vibe based.

First up, the Bornean orangutan.

New name: Greg

Orangutans look like hairy, chubby, balding middle-aged men who sit on recliners wearing nothing but tighty whities all day. 

The Vilas Zoo’s Bornean orangutan fits this description. As families gathered around to stare at the primate, this guy just didn’t care. He hung out in the back of his enclosure with a dopey look on his face as if to say “Who, what? I’m just a lil ol’ me.” 

It also looked like he was chewing, but no food was in sight. Maybe somebody snuck him some gum, but he’d never tell. He seemed like he’d like Hubba Bubba or Juicy Fruit.

There was a dignity to it. It’s not that the critically endangered animal was just hanging out because it didn’t have any goals or ambition. Rather, it seemed that sitting around was Greg’s dream, and baby, he’s living it. 

He’s not the prettiest guy. Hell, as far as animals go, he probably wouldn’t even make a great date. He seems to have no interest in making conversation — he just wants to chill and look around.

Still, we should respect that he’s happily living a simple life and remains a nice guy despite undoubtedly lacking personal hygiene. Respectful, relaxed and a little wacky make this Bornean orangutan a Greg. 

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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.

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