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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, September 27, 2022
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Democrats struggle for bipartisan support on gun reform bill

The lack of action proposed in the new bill remains too big of a commitment.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

After seeming to have over a dozen Republican senators on their side while drafting the first gun reform legislation in over 20 years, the Democrats have lost all Republican support.

“This is not what I signed up for when I agreed to reach across the aisle,” said Sen. Lindsay Graham. “The Democrats get more radical every year, and I just can’t in good conscience agree to their demands.”

The bill aims to respond to the recent wave of mass shootings across the country. While specifics are evolving, it seems the bill intends to curtail gun violence as a statement of intent to consider reforming gun laws. 

“While we originally set out to make a bill that restricted the sale and ownership of assault-style rifles and other guns that go beyond what is excusable for hobby or self-defense use, we were willing to remove all actual action and turn this bill into more of a to-do list,” commented Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. “And not like a to-do list of remembering to take out the trash later; it’s more like writing a reminder to build a back porch — we should probably get to it, but we don’t really know what we’re doing or where to start… and we may never get it done, but the thought counts for something.”

Sen. Ted Cruz added, “These radical liberals are entirely run by AOC and the Squad. I know from the start not to work with them because I knew those weasels would use it to sneak in their radical anarcho-communo-Marxist-Leninist-Stalinist-Castroist-Maoist-Trotskyist-Clintonist agenda.”

In addition to providing a statement of intent to reform gun laws, if passed, the bill will lower the capital gains tax and provide pre-forgiven federal loans to senators whose stock portfolios are down this quarter. 

“The senate is full of blood-sucking pedophiles who are going to take your guns so you will be defenseless when they send drag queen death squads to your church and forcibly trans your childrens’ genders,” added Georgia representative Majorie Taylor Greene.

The Supreme Court has already released a statement that any attempt to restrict gun sales or enforce gun reforms will be immediately put under judicial review to ensure it is in agreement with the founder’s original intent of the second amendment — to have children in public schools murdered with assault rifles regularly.

The announcement adds that they would see any “pre-forgiven federal loans given directly to senators” to be “outside the bounds of the granted legislative powers” they would have no choice but to reject. That is, they continue, “unless the loans were also given to Supreme Court Justices.” While this may seem odd, they cite the precedent set by the 1898 Supreme Court decision of Insert v. Namehere. 

In an individual statement, Justice Brett Kavanaugh requested the bill include in its calculation a consideration of gambling debts accrued over the past three months.

Sen. Josh Hawley remarked, “We refuse to let the Democrats stomp on the graves of this country’s great founders. The second amendment is the most important right of the American people and I am so proud of my colleagues for not letting the radical liberal coastal Democrats get away with this blatant and intolerable direct attack on real Americans and our real American values.”

Sen. Dianne Feinstein gave a bold rebuttal on the senate floor. “I don’t… where is my assistant? Do you know… where am I? Who are you people? ... I should be going now. The train to DC leaves soon and I have a lunch with President Kennedy.” 

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This was met with thunderous applause from her Democratic colleagues.

“The honorable Senator from California speaks for all of us,” said Sen. Schumer. “We will do what we can without Republican support, but won’t be able to do everything we want until we control more than 100 seats in the Senate. Go donate to Democratic campaigns today to get us the votes we need to make change happen.”

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Jeffrey Brown

Jeffrey Brown is an Arts Editor for the Daily Cardinal. He also writes for the Beet.

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