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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, May 25, 2024

Texas bans left-handed athletes due to ‘unfair advantage’

America’s youth are being indoctrinated, says Texas’ Governor Abbott.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott recently signed a bill into law that bans all left-handed students from participating in sports, citing an unfair advantage.

“It’s just not fair. Beyond being the devil’s hand, lefties ruin the spirit of competition for all the good, normal kids. If those cheaters want to participate, they’ll have to do so using their right hand like everyone else,” said Abbott.

In baseball, a lefty’s pitches act differently from a righty’s. In football, a lefty quarterback forces the opponent’s defense to change much of its alignment. These create significant advantages that Texas Republicans consider unfair.

“The integrity of the sport means making an even playing field,” argued Abbott. “How would you feel if you trained against righty pitchers your whole life and then someone’s up there throwing with their left hand? It’s perverse and it’s unfair.” 

Abbott continued, “The sick fact of the matter is that the parents and teachers are behind this. They want their kid to be special so they indoctrinate them into left-handedness.”

Lefty youth, their parents and allies are understandably outraged by both the law and the accusations of indoctrination. 

One parent tells us, “My daughter was born this way. My husband and I are righties, but we knew she was left-handed probably before she did because she always drew holding the crayon in her left hand. That never really mattered to us. We love her for who she is — no matter what.”

Historical evidence as well as both archeological and anthropological research agree that lefties are a normal and natural percentage of the human population. Nonetheless, this is not the end of Texas’ anti-lefty policies. Despite evidence of causing lasting trauma, a bill is making its way through their state legislature that aims to bring back the use of restraints to force children to write with their right hand.

“It’s unnatural. Children are born to use their right hand. I don’t care what hand they identify with,” concluded Abbott.

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Jeffrey Brown

Jeffrey Brown is a former Arts Editor for the Daily Cardinal. He writes for The Beet occasionally and does some drawing and photography too. He is a senior majoring in Sociology. Do not feed him after midnight.

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