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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, June 09, 2023

Local white boy checks into rehab for addiction to AAVE

The flaw can likely be at least partially attributed to being a Ye fan.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

A neighborhood white boy was recently checked into rehab due to his addiction to using AAVE. African-American Vernacular English, or AAVE, is the term for the words and speech patterns originating from Black communities. This includes many slang terms that reach widespread popularity through either pop culture or internet trends. 

For this reason, the uninformed may confuse this as “Gen Z” or “internet” slang, but more often than not, these trends originate from AAVE. Further, their overuse by non-Black people can be interpreted as a form of trying to appear Black. It is also very annoying. We were able to speak with a local perpetrator remotely through a video-call facility at the clinic.

“I was j chillin at m’ homeboy’s crib when the whole crew roll up an’ tol’ me I ain’t pushin p,” remarked Mason. “They say they ain’t tryin to throw hands and it’s nothin but love. I was shook. I said sheeeesh they can fade me with that shit.”

While we understand he is struggling and we want to be sensitive and respectful of his illness, to put it politely, our discussion with Mason showed just how big of a problem he has.

His mother, Christine, tells us, “It’s so hard to watch the people you care about be so sick. It’s been a long time coming and the saying is ‘knowing is half the battle,’” she added through tears. “And I just want to see him acknowledge his struggle.”

“I say we’re all in the struggle — you know what I’m saying?” asked Mason. “And my momma said I was sick? That’s dope as fuck, fam.”

Mason has been a Kanye fan for years and his friends speculate it has something to do with his condition. If not the cause, they argue it is certainly a symptom. 

“We knew this was serious when he dropped an n-bomb while singing along to that song by Jay-Z and Kanye about those guys,” his roommate stated. “You know… the one where they’re in Paris.”

Doctors are hopeful his care takes at little as six months. Depending on the severity, it could also be a permanent condition.

“We have a hard road ahead, but hopefully he makes it through. I just want my son back,” his mother remarked.

“This shit deadass ain’t it — no cap,” concluded Mason.

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Jeffrey Brown

Jeffrey Brown is a former Arts Editor for the Daily Cardinal. He writes for The Beet occasionally and does some drawing and photography too. He is a senior majoring in Sociology. Do not feed him after midnight.


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