A new holy text was recently discovered. In it, God announces He is revoking thumb privileges from humans. Here is the full statement:
“What the fuck, y’all? I was so proud of the idea to give my creatures the ability to grab things and you fucked it up. Look at monkeys — are you trying to tell me you use your thumbs better than those little guys? They climb and swing on stuff and that fucking rocks. Even chimpanzees, who use tools like you guys do, are just using sticks to snack on ants in holes. But y’all had to invent war, weapons, fossil fuels and all kinds of other bullshit. I gave you thumbs to jerk off, but you had to ruin it by being assholes. Even dolphins know what’s up and they don’t even have thumbs. Yeah they rape every now and then, but most of the time they’re just chilling. Did you know those little freaks get high off pufferfish? Fucking sick.
“When you guys started messing around with fire, I let it slide because fire rocks. I figured y’all would just have some fun burning shit. Then I turn away for a couple thousand years and y’all have nukes? I know blowing stuff up is cool, but have some moderation, medamn.
“I know I skipped over some stuff there. I was doing my best the whole time, though. Noah and that party boat were sick as fuck. Then I did the ocean thing to free those guys from those other guys. That ocean split was a thing of beauty. But come on, slavery? How many times do I have to tell you slavery is bad? And you're gonna tell me this money shit is different? My kid said his body was bread and you didn't get the metaphor? When the fuck did I say food, houses and weed should cost money?
“I tried all sorts of religions. Some worked out great, but then all the ones that sucked had to go and destroy all the chill ones. Being one with the land? Love that shit. Thinking I made all this just for you? Give me a break. Also, while Catholics were always fucking weird, I thought it was the fun kind of weird. I can’t pick and choose which of my creations are my favorite, but you guys really dropped the ball — which is something you’ll be doing a lot more of soon.
“You guys could all just be playing sports with each other, but instead you fight and — ugh — I can’t keep doing this with you. I would say you get the point, but you probably don’t. Regardless, y’all have lost thumb privileges. Go think about what you’ve done and maybe I’ll let you have ‘em back so you can clean up this mess you made. Until then, I think I’m gonna let crows have some fun. Those fuckers hold a grudge and you deserve whatever they have planned in those freaky little minds.
“Don’t worry, I’ll be watching and noshing on some popcorn. Thanks for the popcorn, by the way. This was all your idea and it rules. Love this shit. If I did an eighth day, this would’ve been it. Oh, and one more thing before I go: remember that as hard as it is sometimes, I still love you. Ok bye.”
Religious leaders around the world have each had their own interpretation of the above message from God. None have questioned its legitimacy, but it is assumed they are working diligently to cherry-pick the parts that confirm their beliefs and continue their power. While God did not set a date for the thumb removal, if the plagues he did in Egypt are any indication of His willingness to bring down the hammer on us, we can expect unprecedented times ahead.
Jeffrey Brown is an Arts Editor for the Daily Cardinal. He also writes for the Beet.