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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, May 27, 2022
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The Democrats have negotiated away the gays

The move has been lauded by political leaders as a win for both sides.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

In a closed-door meeting late last night, Democrat and Republican party leaders have struck a deal to get rid of all gay people. Democrats have called the deal a “massive win” for progressive causes.

“By offering to get rid of all gay people, we were able to get Republicans to agree to raising the minimum wage to nine dollars per hour,” said Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “You don’t see deals like this happening very much anymore, so we’re very proud of how we demonstrated that — despite our differences — we can work together to help the American people. What we have here is a great deal for both sides.”

The rise to $9 an hour is the first time the federal minimum wage has changed since 2009. With inflation and expenses rising for many Americans, it was of utmost importance to the Democrats in the House to get this bill passed.

“We have a large enough majority in the House that we didn’t need to negotiate with Republicans to pass a raise to the minimum wage,” noted a Democratic representative from a state you forgot existed. “But it’s important to reach across the aisle in these divisive times, now more than ever.”

The bill now heads to the Senate, where Senator Manchin is expected to stall until the change to the minimum wage is lowered to $8 an hour even though the Republicans fully support the bill as-is.

“Nine dollars an hour may be tough to swallow for many mom-and-pop small businesses out there, but it’s the sacrifice that was necessary to rid this country of its dirty communist homosexual groomers,” added a Republican official who married an intern 30 years younger than him and is accused of sexually harassing minors in three states.

Upon hearing the news of being negotiated away, gay people were notably upset. “What the fuck does it mean we were ‘negotiated away’? Am I supposed to stop being gay, or are they going to send a death squad after me? This has to be illegal, right?”

As a reminder, same-sex marriage has been a right in the United States for under 10 years.

The president has already stated he’s happy to sign whatever final bill Congress sends his way. 

“This is a living wage Americans should be celebrating,” remarked President Biden. “Nine dollars used to get you a ride on the elephant, a trip on the whirly ride and one heck of a lunch at the traveling circus. Me, Corn Pop and Boom-Boom Can would wander the circus every summer trying to catch us a Chinese rooster. They said those roosters were lucky roosters and we could’ve used some luck back in those days. But we didn’t have luck; we worked hard and that’s how America should always be.”

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Jeffrey Brown

Jeffrey Brown is an Arts Editor for the Daily Cardinal. He also writes for the Beet.

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