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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, April 23, 2024
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Congress announces bipartisan effort to prevent climate catastrophe

Senators are disgusted by oil companies making money off of the environment.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

In response to the recent UN Climate Report describing climate change prevention as “now or never,” Congress has announced a massive bipartisan bill to ensure the safety of the future generations and the planet as a whole.

The groundbreaking bill includes massive spending on green infrastructure, including renewable energy, public transportation, higher density suburbs and so much more. For many, this bill could not have come sooner.

“It really astounds me this took so long for us to get to,” Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said. “I guess we have been so busy passing legislation for the benefit of our citizens that we forgot to address climate change.”

With climate change being as large of an issue as it has been for so long, many have been left puzzled by how it has appeared to slip through the cracks of an otherwise stellar democratic body.

“On behalf of all my fellow senators, we are truly sorry,” Sen. Ted Cruz stated in a live television statement. “We care deeply about the safety and wellbeing of not only every American, but every person and creature across the globe. We are appalled by our own failures to address this sooner, and we hope we can be forgiven for the unnecessary suffering we have caused up to this point.”

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi gave a speech recognizing her massive failure to see not only how important this issue was, but how awful it was that large corporations profited from it. 

“To learn that massive American companies like ExxonMobil and Chevron benefit from the destruction of ecosystems makes me sick,” Pelosi announced. “It upsets me to my core that there are people out there in positions of power who would allow or even encourage cruelty for personal gain.” She then had to excuse herself due to the overwhelming sympathy she felt for all who have suffered due to her negligence.

While we had little reason to doubt them, Americans can now rejoice knowing our elected bodies are looking out for us. People all over the world can let out a sigh of relief knowing their lives matter to those in power. While the battle against climate change is just beginning, we can all rest assured our government is doing its job to ensure the safety of all living beings present and future. We are in good hands.

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Jeffrey Brown

Jeffrey Brown is a former Arts Editor for the Daily Cardinal. He writes for The Beet occasionally and does some drawing and photography too. He is a senior majoring in Sociology. Do not feed him after midnight.


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