The newest reports from Moscow detail how an article in The Daily Cardinal’s Almanac section has not only made its way to the desk of Russian President Vladimir Putin, but has embarrassed him to such a degree that he is heavily considering a complete withdrawal from Ukraine.
The article, entitled “Report: Putin ordered Ukranian attack to prove manliness after being caught drinking a cosmo, listening to Madonna,” allegedly turned the oligarch “beet red” before he yelled for all of his military leaders to leave the room. Current expert consensus believes he then cried softly to himself. Being the only person in the room, however, means no witnesses were there to confirm this theory.
Noticing the accidental success of this operation, Raytheon, Lockheed Martin, Northrup Grummon and Boeing are all beginning to invest heavily in comedic psychological warfare — or what they’re calling “Farcical Assaults for Reducing Tenacity,” or “FARTs.”
“While I can’t say much,” a spokesman for Lockheed said, “we are only at the beginning of studying the full combat capabilities of FARTs. When executed effectively, they can be extremely quiet, yet incredibly potent.”
Since the FART was noticed, defense contractors have been racing to be the first to the “door of the future of military tactics.” Wall Street investors have been watching with a keen nose to see who is creating the most consistently high-quality FARTs. It’s a big deal, and traders want to know whose FARTs are going to dominate. To analyze the potency of FARTs, investment firms have been desperate to hire skilled satirists as FART inspectors.
So far, FART inspectors have been shy about what they consider to comprise an ideal FART. One who spoke to us on the condition of anonymity shared their preferences, noting “The ideal FART is quick, smooth and punchy. Like a jab to the throat, it moves fast, but burns deep and doesn’t rely heavily on lesser tactics such as potty humor.”
With all the discussion about FARTs, it’s hard to believe this all arose due to an article in the Almanac. As the first to use satire to create noticeable damage to a major world leader, we are aware it seems like we dealt the first FART. However, it is cause for suspicion that the defense industry elevated the situation to such a dramatic degree upon catching a whiff. Nevertheless, the Almanac seeks full forgiveness because there was no way of knowing our accidental FART would create such a stink.
Jeffrey Brown is a former Arts Editor for the Daily Cardinal. He writes for The Beet occasionally and does some drawing and photography too. He is a senior majoring in Sociology. Do not feed him after midnight.