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Friday, June 24, 2022
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Public hearing takes a turn when two senators engage in a pissing match

Sources say the reason they didn’t intervene is because they “wanted to see where this thing goes.”

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Last week, what started as normal bickering across the aisle at a Senate committee hearing quickly became a disgrace to the state of Wisconsin. The hearing was scheduled to go over four bills, of which the first two had to do with speed limits and road safety. 

The first proposal would reduce every speed limit by one mile per hour to make the streets safer. No one seemed to disagree with the measure and the discussion was brief. The second bill proposed that the dividers on highways be made from MyPillows to properly absorb potential collisions; again, agreement all around. The discussion surrounding the third proposal got heated, causing the hearing to be cut short before the fourth bill could be raised for consideration. The argument started because the bill, if it were to become law, would give a grant to the district with the cleanest bathrooms.

“My district would win this every year, so I’m okay with it passing,” claimed committee member Sen. Don Key.

That statement upset fellow committee member Sen. Ella Fant.

“Oh come on, you know that’s bullshit. My district has always and will always have the cleanest bathrooms. You could eat right out of the toilet!” responded Fant.

“Well I’ve been to your district recently, and let me tell you, I wouldn’t even let my worst enemy eat out of those toilets. In my district, every bathroom has a bathroom attendant. Can you say the same?” retorted Key.

As this childish verbal conflict progressed, the other senators on the committee never tried to interrupt. Sources say the reason they didn’t intervene is because they “wanted to see where this thing goes.” The senators’ verbal tennis match continued, volleying bad examples of cleanliness. They didn’t seem to be getting anywhere in the discussion and it was simply a pissing match at that point.

Because this was a public hearing, there were constituents in the room spectating this horrifying hearing. A few people left before the argument progressed into a literal pissing match, but the ones that stayed had some comments on the situation.

“I think it’s disgusting to see the people that are representing the great state of Wisconsin embarrass themselves like that,” said Uriah Innate from Door County, who was in town supporting the speed limit bill.

“I was going to leave after the MyPillows discussion, but I couldn’t stop watching. I can’t believe they would do that while we were all in the room watching them! Um, hello, we are right here and we expect them to have some respect for the people they represent!” said Jenny Stool.

“I mean, when Senator Don Key said ‘Maybe your bathrooms are so dirty because your constituents don’t know how to pee’ and then started demonstrating ‘perfect peeing technique,’ I just couldn’t stand it. The stench alone would drive you mad,” said Fitchburg’s David Davison.

Obviously, people were not happy with the senators, but the comments made by Uriah, Jenny and David were the mild ones. A couple other people were far more upset — so upset that they have called for these senators to be taken out of office.

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“I don’t think it is that crazy to say that senators who drop their pants and start challenging each other to who can ‘pee the best’ during a public hearing should resign immediately. I know some of these people are old and might have bladder problems, but in this case, they just voluntarily started peeing towards each other and it was splashing people that were in close proximity. I have never seen anything like it. It’s disgusting — just disgusting,” said another Fitchburg resident, Stefan S. Stephenson.

As Stephenson mentioned, there were people in proximity that were a little too close for comfort.

“I just stopped by to see what's up and little did I know I was in the freakin splash zone! How the hell can this happen? You know, when I pee in a urinal that goes down to the floor, I expect a little splashage on my shoes, but I sure as heck don’t expect that at a public hearing! My shoes and socks are soaked. This is an embarrassing moment for Wisconsinites. Senators Don Key and Ella Fant need to issue an apology immediately and maybe even resign. Unacceptable,” said Peter E. Edwards, a constituent who just decided to stop by and see “what’s up.”

Word of the pissing match spread quickly, and people started showing up in their umbrellas, rain boots and raincoats to observe this unprecedented debate tactic. The senators who participated in the urinating have yet to say anything, but the chairman of the committee has issued an apology to the people on the behalf of the egomaniac senators while urging them to apologize as well. 

It is unlikely these senators will step down, but once you’ve seen two seventy-year-olds start peeing on the floor at a public hearing, it is hard to know what will happen next.

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