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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, June 24, 2022
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Dog torn between eating Purina Pro Plan Complete Essentials and its own feces for supper

“You must not rush decisions that are important to you, for the wrong decision could lead to catastrophe.”

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Yes, humans are not the only ones who struggle to decide what they want for dinner. Yes, its owner did put out a bowl of Purina Pro Plan Complete Essentials, but maybe, for supper, David the shi tzu wants that fresh pile of feces he secretly placed in the basement behind the dehumidifier. 

David had the Yorkshire terrier from across the street’s feces for lunch and began to think about his options for dinner shortly after. Some might say “Oh David, you had feces for lunch — that means you must choose the Purina Pro Plan Complete Essentials.” Those people don’t know there is a huge difference between another dog’s feces and the feces that David produces.

“Woof, woof,” David said when asked about which way he's leaning on this age-old dilemma. 

As you can tell, David is pretty stressed right now; his brevity should be appreciated and respected. How would you like to answer questions while deciding what to eat?

David has been walking up to his dog food bowl, giving it some good sniffs, then proceeding down the steps only to come back up to the dog food bowl. He seems to be standing at the top of the basement steps, looking at his dog food bowl, looking down the steps and back at the dog food bowl. David is now walking towards the dog bowl. I think he might be making a decision here folks. Oh — nope, back to the steps. He’s proceeding down the stairs. Feces it is, I guess… oh wait, he is coming back!

“COULD YOU DECIDE ALREADY?” exclaimed a smaller human that seems to be pretty close with David’s owners. This tiny human lives in the household as well.

“WOOF!” replied David, which I believe translates to something along the lines of “You must not rush decisions that are important to you, for the wrong decision could lead to catastrophe.” Smart dog!

Now it looks like David has come to the conclusion that the Purina Pro Plan Complete Essentials is the best choice in this scenario. Wait, wait, David has called an audible, and he has shamelessly made his way down the steps and stuffed his short snout into the pile of feces he left there hours earlier. What a day! Congratulations to David. After his meal, David was asked if he was satisfied with his decision, to which he replied “Bark, woof!” which I believe translates to “Oh boy, you cannot even fathom the feeling of ecstasy coursing through my veins right now.”

Oh … he went on to eat the Purina Pro Plan Complete Essentials too … oh well!

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