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Thursday, May 30, 2024

Woman breaks up with fiancé after discovering he eats Trix cereal — ‘I thought he was a man, not a kid’

After catching her fiancé eating the cereal, Stacy Morgan had to face the fact that Trix are for kids.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

By the time a healthy couple gets engaged, they’ve already talked about their shared goals and ideals as far as children, work, religion and finances. Twenty-six-year-old Cottage Grove native Stacy Brenner thought she knew everything about her now former fiancé, Ryan, before the December proposal. 

However, while she knew that she and Ryan both wanted kids, she did not realize that she was engaged to be married to one. 

Following the holidays, the bubbly couple moved into their first house together. The happy home took a turn for the worst when Stacy awoke the morning of Feb. 15 to find that her future husband was eating Trix cereal.

“When we talked about our future, I thought I was planning it with a man, you know?” cried Brenner. “I know that part of a relationship is talking through potential misunderstandings, but how much more clear could it have been? The slogan has been in every commercial our whole lives — ‘Trix are for kids.’” 

Brenner says that before she caught her former fiancé in the act, he hadn’t shown any signs of immaturity. 

“He had a good head on his shoulders. Financial advisor, no criminal record, showered most days — the total package,” lamented Brenner. “Now, I can’t help but think it was all a lie. It’s like he thought that if he bought me a big enough ring, I’d just ignore the fact that I was going to marry a literal child. Last time I checked, it’s not okay to have sex with a kid just because they can afford jewelry.” 

After registering the situation, Brenner kicked Ryan out of their shared home.

“I’m not sure exactly when the cutoff for being considered a kid is, but 16 felt more like young adult territory, so I knew it was illegal for him to drive,” said Brenner. “I made him get in the backseat of my car and I dropped him off at a McDonald’s Play Place with 20 dollars and a library card.” 

The now-single Brenner has since put the house on the market and moved back in with her parents.

“Since I moved back in with my parents, I’ve been able to take steps towards healing,” said the emotionally exhausted Brenner. “When I go to the kitchen in the morning, there’s nothing to remind me of what Trix did to my relationship. My parents only eat oatmeal and buttered toast for breakfast, so I feel safe.” 

Having dropped off Ryan’s belongings at his mom’s house, Brenner has not had any direct contact with her former beau since the incident. 

“Despite everything, I don’t feel right selling the ring and keeping the money for myself,” said Brenner. “I think I’ll use the $200 I was able to haggle for to send him a remote control car and a couple Nerf guns for his birthday.”

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Though she isn’t ready to get back out there yet, Brenner knows how she’ll prevent this from happening in the future.

“My friend hooked me up with a room at a nursing home. As soon as the 90-year-old cancer patient living in it now dies, it’s all mine. The facility provides all of the meals, so I don’t have to worry about Trix ever again.” 

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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.

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