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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, February 23, 2024

Mediocre white man rightfully earns Hollywood star

“I just drunk tweeted that I wanted one and the internet shit its pants.”

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

22 year-old Ansel Rodd, who gained popularity through TikTok videos in which he pretended to be poor, is slated to become the most unimpressive person in history to receive a star on the historic Hollywood Walk of Fame. 

The news was announced 38 hours after Rodd sent a 2 a.m. tweet saying, “Although I’ve never done anything to earn it, wouldn’t it be dope if I got a holywood star? #holywood #anselrodd #euphoriawatchalong.”

His tweet went viral, even catching the attention of Aaron (immunized) Rodgers, who wholeheartedly supported this venture, arguing that everyone should get a shot.

Although many users on Twitter pointed out to Ansel the extensive nomination process and requirements to get a star, the TikToker, whose videos capture daily struggles such as trying to figure out his new digital toaster, kept tweeting about how much he wanted one, eventually leading to his victory. Representatives from the Hollywood Walk of Fame committee assert that the decision was in no way influenced by the amount of death threats that poured into their DMs after they initially dismissed his self-nomination.

In addition, several modeling and acting agencies have since reached out to Ansel with interest in working with this blooming social media celebrity. Insiders claim that even Big Hit Music (the company that manages world famous k-pop band BTS) has reached out with their own offer.

“Some people question Ansel’s credentials,” his new publicist conceded, “but really it just goes to show that anyone can get their big break if they put in the work.”

“I’m so thrilled to be given a Hollywood star after grinding for all these years at boarding school,” Ansel told The Daily Cardinal from his 200 square foot apartment in SoHo.

Ansel’s star will be installed next Wednesday and is expected to be placed in between the stars of Shia (Just Do It) LaBeouf and that chick who put gorilla glue in her hair last year.

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