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Friday, February 23, 2024

Juwan Howard slaps doctor after medical assistant tests blood pressure: ‘I had to protect myself’

Following Juwan Howard’s outburst after the Michigan men’s basketball team lost to Wisconsin, previous victims speak out.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

The sports world was buzzing Sunday afternoon when Michigan men’s basketball head coach Juwan Howard became aggressive in the handshake line following a 77-63 Wolverines loss at the hands of the Wisconsin Badgers. Wisconsin’s Coach Gard attempted to shake Howard’s hand as well as explain the timeout that caused the Fab Five member’s frustration, prompting Howard to grab Gard before ultimately reaching over several mediators to slap Badgers assistant coach Joe Krabbenhoft. 

The 6’9” former NBA All-Star claimed that his actions were out of self defense against the 51-year-old garden gnome Gard, as apparently absolutely zero friendly contact is allowed in a handshake line. 

“If he had curtsied instead of trying to shake my hand, we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now,” said Howard during the post-game press conference. 

While dissenting opinions exist among some Michigan fans and those who feel the need to share their thoughts despite never having seen the widely available video of the exchange, the consensus is that Juwan Howard’s actions were inexcusable. Calls for punishment have been escalated, as this is not the first time that the coach’s on-the-court conduct has been called into question.

However, Howard’s outbursts are not limited to the court. According to staff at an Ann Arbor doctors’ office, the Chicago native became physical during a recent annual checkup. 

“Checking blood pressure is a routine part of a physical exam. Still, Mr. Howard looked annoyed when I was doing so during his appointment,” said medical assistant Kim Paya. “Once the blood pressure monitor revealed that he had concerningly high blood pressure, he ripped off the armband and grabbed the badge off of my shirt before I ran out of the room.”

By the time Dr. Jim Ryzer entered the examination room eight minutes later, Howard had not calmed down.

“As an avid Wolverines fan, I was actually excited to meet Coach Howard,” the doctor said. “But once I made two steps past the doorway, he lunged across the room and slapped me in the face. I asked him to tell me why he did that, but all he said was ‘that bitch tried to sever my arm off with that thing.’”

Dr. Ryzer went on to say that he explained why the velcro armband is required to record blood pressure and that it was incapable of severing off limbs of any kind, but the two-time NBA champion continued to take offense. Further, while the Harvard Medical School graduate is aware that talking about Juwan Howard being his patient violates HIPAA, he’s okay with it, as he “no longer feels safe” going to work anyway.

When asked for comment by The Daily Cardinal, the Michigan coach simply stated “Me bragging in a medical setting about eating 12 ounces of bacon every morning doesn’t mean that I won’t protect myself when someone tries to test me for the potential consequences of my actions.” 

As of the day after the Michigan vs. Wisconsin incident, Howard has been suspended for the rest of the regular season. However, it is expected that he will also be required to go through extensive training, during which he will have to allow a dog to sniff his hand without smacking the 7-year-old child holding the dog’s leash. 

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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.


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