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Saturday, May 21, 2022
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Ways to enjoy a Madison winter

Your friends at the Almanac have compiled some tips and tricks to help you lead a productive and rewarding winter.

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

As the slightly sunburned complexion of traveled UW students slowly returns to a naturally pasty state, a simple question arises for those inhabiting Madison, Wisconsin: “What the fuck is there to do during winter?” Classwork aside, there is a notable lack of fun activities to fill the few hours of light afforded each day. Staying preoccupied in a winter hellscape may seem daunting at first, however your friends at the Almanac have compiled some tips and tricks to help you lead a productive and rewarding winter.

Tip 1: Submit to winter depression

Give up. Instead of stressing over important school assignments or exercising on a consistent basis, simply stop trying. By allowing yourself to fall headfirst into the comforting arms of seasonal sadness, you can avoid the true burden of personal accountability that no one enjoys dealing with. A sense of responsibility is lost when one claims that their own compulsions are resigned to factors beyond their control. So why spend time struggling to improve upon yourself when you can just sit there and complain about how cold it is? You might as well curl up in those sheets you haven't washed since Thanksgiving and take a deep dive through your camera roll. 

Tip 2: Stare longingly out of a gray window

You may not be able to chuck die in your backyard anymore with that foot of all consuming snow eating up every toss, but you sure as heck can reminisce over when you could! Invented in the 1920s by housewives leading unfulfilled marriages, the art of gazing out of bleak structural openings can foster a sense of deep appreciation and can even result in a blissful state. That being said, most opioids also seem to do the trick. Both are completely valid ways to pass the time. 

Tip 3: Make a rash cosmetic decision

As a last ditch effort to feel something, modifying your physical appearance is a great way to stir the emotional pot. Submit to the feminine urge arising within. Get in front of that bathroom mirror with your kitchen scissors and start chopping. On the off chance you find yourself unable to part with your luscious locks, there are always more permanent options. A nose piercing or tattoo is especially recommended for people with conservative parents who pay their bills. Of course, there are easier, more natural compromises if none of these appeal to you. Let everyone know you truly have given up and grow out that sparse mustache. The dull itch of that manly face fur will undoubtedly give you a confidence boost even when it’s concealed by a mask.

Tip 4: Buy a cat

You ever wonder what would happen if he didn’t pull out, but also can barely afford to pay for your own degenerate lifestyle? Well look no further than a furry feline friend! There are few pets that can elicit such a deep paternal instinct within its owner and yet go entirely neglected when more pressing matters arise. These independent infants are great practice for raising an absolute piece of shit kid. Better luck on the second one. 

Look, winter sucks - anyone who says that it doesn’t is a goddamn liar. Even so, there are some silver linings that should be taken into consideration. If not for winter, what would make summer so enjoyable? If not for winter, what would become of the tourism industry?  If not for winter, how would local micro celebrity photographers be able to keep abusing the same creatively bankrupt drone shot of a snow covered capitol building, as if it holds more artistic merit the eighth time around. Apologies for losing my train of thought - it must be this weather. 

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