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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Thursday, April 18, 2024

As the COVID-19 strand has spread across the US, Gov. Tony Evers held a briefing with state officials to discuss the state’s plans to prevent the spread. 

President Biden heads to Camp David to attempt peace talks with coronavirus

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

This weekend marks over a year and a half of conflict between the United States and SARS-COV-2. After much deliberation, terms have been set and the two parties will head to the infamous Camp David to negotiate and hopefully arrive at a peace deal to end the pandemic. 

A representative from the CDC’s negotiation division stated, “It has been tricky, to say the least, to establish a common sense of humanity between a nation and a non-sentient submicroscopic infectious agent. But thankfully, COVID-19 is finally willing to send representatives to the table and we look forward to finding a middle ground suitable for both of us.”

Some key goals going into negotiations are to get SARS-COV-2 to comply with the standard guidelines for microbes and sub-microbes which includes the infamous Five Second Policy.

“While we understand the needs of SARS-COV-2, five seconds has historically been a comfortable middle ground for diseases to comply with.”

The CDC noted, however, the specifics of such a deal would require fine-tuning with regard to the unique situation. Namely, much of the precedent in Five Second Policy treaties involve objects of human interest, such as food, coming into contact with unclean surfaces. Being a disease that spreads largely through the air, these precedents can’t be directly transferred. Some important points of distinction include if lowering one’s mask to chew a hangnail or scratch their nose would be considered protected actions if the mask is re-raised in 5 seconds or less. 

But the CDC is quick to state that these, at the moment, are more likely to be luxuries of productive discussion, adding that their current priority is ensuring fair play regarding the changing out of masks. Because switching out masks every couple hours is a good and safety-minded practice, the CDC argues individuals should not be punished during the brief moment of vulnerability. 

An additional point likely to be discussed is if viable substitutes for a properly worn mask include holding your breath or pulling your collar up over your nose.

As of now, the CDC declines to comment on what they have to offer to the coronavirus in exchange. They also refused to discuss their research partnership with the CIA, which is allegedly working to determine what drugs the coronavirus finds addictive.

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Jeffrey Brown

Jeffrey Brown is a former Arts Editor for the Daily Cardinal. He writes for The Beet occasionally and does some drawing and photography too. He is a senior majoring in Sociology. Do not feed him after midnight.

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