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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, June 18, 2024

Students report wanting to go back on Zoom after actually having to shower now

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Most students have rejoiced about being in-person again. We’re able to see our friends, make new ones and actually know how tall our professors are. But, some students are  missing the ease and privacy of Zoom school. The main reason? Students actually have to shower now, so as not to offend their classmates. 

Who knew? 

One such rebel, Darren Koffman, has refused to change his old ways in protest of in-person classes. “I don’t want to have to wear my gray sweatpants with no stains instead of my grey sweatpants with stains in order to leave my house for class. It’s ridiculous.” 

Respectfully socially-distanced away from Darren (and plugging her nose), Cassie Weller, Darrens’ groupmate in class who sits next to him every day, had something to say about the situation, “I don’t even think he wears deodorant.” That was all she could muster between deep inhales of fresh air. 

Marrissa Klein, a senior Engineering student, has similarly hated being back in person. “I could roll out of bed one minute before class. Unwashed body, unshaved legs, unbrushed hair…” she said.  

As Klein continued her rant, a blue jay fluttered down and nestled on her head, mistaking her hair for a nest. It was somewhat poetic. 

“Not having to walk all the way to Engineering is what I miss the most.” Klein continued. She didn’t even notice the bird. “I actually see people now. I have to remind those I haven’t seen in a while that it’s me, not Coconut Head.” From Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide. Yes, Marrissa, I know the one. 

Professors have noticed the shift in overall classroom aroma. “I come to work to get away from my 13-year-old boys, not to be constantly surrounded by what smells like their BO,” said Professor Roberts. This year for Halloween, instead of candy, Roberts said he will be handing out those little sneaker balls that keep your shoes from smelling. 

Chancellor Rebecca Blank has released an official statement on the matter. “For those struggling to adjust to normal human decency now that there’s in-person classes again (you’re welcome)... Please. Buy some soap.” Wise words as always, Becky.

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