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Thursday, December 09, 2021
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Kyrie Irving, Ben Simmons traded to Flint Tropics

All articles featured in Almanac are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

The NBA’s two biggest trade targets are now off the market. After weeks to months of contention for the respective players, Kyrie Irving and Ben Simmons have been traded to the Flint Tropics. 

While the deal appears to have been done under the table, it is believed that Tropics owner, head coach, pre-game announcer and starting power forward Jackie Moon was able to trade for the All-Stars in exchange for the team’s dust mop and a case of Gatorade. 

The “Love Me Sexy” hitmaker traded for the players in order to increase fan attendance and to increase the amount of hot air in the locker room following the disrepair of the team’s heating system. 

Some talking heads have pointed out the perceived underselling of Irving and Simmons. However, after having difficulty finding an NBA trade partner due to the reputation of unreliability the pair shares, head coaches Steve Nash and Doc Rivers decided to settle for what they could. During trade talks, 76ers’ Coach Rivers commented to the organization that “a dust mop to clean the court will help us in the playoffs more than Ben did against the Atlanta Hawks last season.” 

The new Flint Tropics players are settling in well, and the frustrations they associate with their former teams are non-issues in their new home. 

“I felt that I was being disrespected by Doc Rivers — he really started throwing me under the bus. But now that I’m on a team with players markedly worse than me, I don’t have to give it a second thought if I continue to make 33% of my free throws,” said Simmons. 

Unvaccinated Brooklyn Nets players are unable to play home games in the upcoming season due to New York mandates. After making it clear that he would not receive a COVID-19 vaccine, it was determined that Kyrie Irving would be sat by the team altogether as a disciplinary action. However, Irving is in the clear in Flint, as the damage of drinking lead poisoned water for five years straight currently poses a greater risk to the public than the deadliest pandemic in U.S. history. 

“The Daily Cardinal” reached out to Jackie Moon for comment, but he was busy preparing to play keep away with a grizzly bear mother and her cubs for halftime entertainment.

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