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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Sunday, May 19, 2024

Campus Rumor: Chancellor Rebecca Blank is lactose-intolerant, rude to cows

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

For years, Chancellor Rebecca Blank has been known for her love of milk, going so far as to appear in various pro-dairy videos and post a selfie of her drinking a glass to celebrate new graduates. Because of this, many have wondered what her go-to milk is; guesses range from calorie-conscious skim to indulgent whole milk. Unfortunately, there is now a new question in mind: Is Becky the milk connoisseur she is alleged to be, or is she about to break the hearts of thousands?

The first tip was a small, but concerning statement from an anonymous source who claims that they witnessed Chancellor Blank put almond milk in her coffee and even take a sip of the dairy alternative straight; a very suspect move for someone who has the community believing that she lives and breathes “Babcock Dairy’s finest.” 

Sadly, this is not the only reported anti-dairy action of one of the representatives of America’s Dairyland. Before a photoshoot involving a classic shot of Blank drinking a glass of one of Wisconsin’s natural treasures, she was allegedly caught popping a lactaid and praying the Hail Mary for strength. 

While she is said to have left the shoot in good spirits, trail camera footage from a local farm shortly thereafter shows the chancellor slapping a cow across the face and flipping the innocent heifer the bird. When reached for comment, the cow gave a long, depressed “mooooo,” as if they had experienced the greatest atrocity of the 21st century.

Confirmation of this rumour may not be reached until Chancellor Blank herself confesses; those wanting to speed the process along are encouraged to buy out the supply of lactaid and dairy alternatives in the Madison region. If necessary, some have suggested that a task force be formed to physically destroy the remaining products with baseball bats and sparklers. While the chancellor herself is sure to watch her step as the rumor spreads, the allegation may be confirmed or denied based on whether or not she ultimately has a public breakdown.

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Mackenzie Moore

Mackenzie is the first ever editor of The Beet and actually made of over 62% beet.

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